Divorce Mediation NJ

There’s no doubt that ending a marriage is one of the most stressful and significant events you’ll ever experience in your life.

It isn’t only emotionally painful, but if not handled properly, the actual divorce process can be destructive and financially ruinous to not only you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse, but also to your kids.

New Jersey is where we’re from and since 2008, we’ve been helping couples avoid the devastation of attorney-driven divorce proceedings through the use of divorce mediation, a more peaceful option.

If you’re starting to plan for divorce, you’re wise to want to learn about divorce mediation New Jersey. And we’ve got you covered!

On this page, you'll find answers to common questions about mediation for divorce in NJ including: what it is, how it works, what it costs, how long it takes, what issues need to be resolved, whether you also need a lawyer if you're mediating, if you and your spouse need to be in agreement on the issues before you can start divorce mediation, if mediation will work in a complex case, how it compares to using lawyers, how to know if mediation is a viable option for you and if it is, how to prepare.

And if you already know that you want to mediate your divorce, and you and/or your spouse live anywhere in The Garden State, book an online mediation initial meeting today!

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Thank you so much for all of the help and support you provided throughout the mediation process.

"S" and I weren't sure what to expect but after meeting and working with you, we knew we made the right choice.

- B.W.
former client, Bedminster, NJ

Joe, I am grateful to you as an example of integrity and compassion, and would recommend you without reservation as a guide and support.

Your divorce coaching services bring even more value to your firm's fine work.

- M.B.
former client, Short Hills, NJ

Thank you for helping us reach a fair and balanced agreement.

I guess that's why you're called Equitable Mediation!

- D.R.
former client, Bridgewater, NJ

Thank you, Joe. You have helped make a hard situation a lot less painful. It is greatly appreciated.

- K.P.
former client, Morristown, NJ

What is New Jersey Divorce Mediation?

Divorce mediation is an alternative dispute resolution process. Unlike the divorce litigation process, the parties instead work with an unbiased, neutral mediator who helps them resolve the required issues.

Many people choose divorce mediation in NJ because it’s faster, more peaceful, and less costly than the traditional divorce litigation process.



Is New Jersey mediation for divorce required?

In New Jersey, divorce mediation is either court-ordered or private.

Court-ordered mediation in NJ is ordered by a judge or family law court in a litigated divorce proceeding and is mandatory.

So if you choose the traditional route using attorneys, you'll likely be obligated to do this as one of the first steps in the divorce settlement attempt process as NJ requires parties in litigation to engage in child custody and parenting time mediation and economic mediation through a state-run program.

We believe there are a number of shortcomings with court-ordered mediation:

  • First, you don’t get to choose your New Jersey divorce mediator like you would with private mediation. So you could end up with a mediator you don’t like, or you’re not comfortable working with.
  • Second, the mediators in NJ on the family law court roster may not be the most experienced. The only requirement to become a family court mediator in NJ is to take a 40-hour mediation training class. So many new mediators get their start conducting a mediation session or sessions this way and have little or no "real-world" experience.
  • Finally, what if your situation is so complex that even if the mediator isn't fresh out of training, they aren’t experienced handling unique issues like yours? In that case, mediation will become a waste of time and now you’ll have to wait months for a family law court date. When you could have resolved everything using a private divorce process like ours long before that.


On the other hand, private mediation NJ is not mandated by a judge.

The couple chooses to mediate - instead of litigation. They seek out this option and they each agree up-front to participate.

So if you and your spouse both agree to use mediation, you’ll hire a private NJ divorce mediator like Joe, and this would typically be done before you file for divorce.

Joe will help you identify, discuss, negotiate and resolve all of the required issues, confidentially and without the involvement of divorce lawyers (if you so choose).



What are the issues that need to be resolved in divorce mediation NJ?

For divorcing spouses with no children or grown children, there are two main topics parties need to resolve. For those with minor children, there are four:


Creation of a Parenting Plan:


In New Jersey, issues of parenting responsibilities and timesharing are agreed upon and drafted into the parenting plan (child custody).

The parenting plan covers all aspects of how you will co-parent your children once you’re divorced including where the children will spend nights, weekends, and holidays, as well as how you and your ex will engage in decision making on important matters pertaining to the kids such as education, religion and medical issues.

You might think it will be easy to develop your child custody parenting plan. However, it can actually become a source of conflict between couples in NJ, even if each parent wants what's best for the kids.

Take for example the children’s extracurricular activities.

Whether it’s dance, gymnastics, cheerleading, soccer, baseball, or something else, most children in New Jersey participate in extracurricular activities. And many of these activities demand an enormous investment of time (and money), not only during the week, but also on weekends.

So let’s say you and your soon-to-be-ex are considering a schedule which has the children staying with one of you during the school week, and then alternating weekends. If the children are excessively busy with their activities on Saturdays and Sundays, it can not only have a detrimental effect on the relationship the kids have with the “weekend parent,” but also the satisfaction that parent has with the plan itself.

What about business travel, long work hours and/or unpredictable commutes?

It’s quite common for working parent(s) to be employed in NYC or another location in Jersey that isn’t close to home.

As former residents of Morris county, Middlesex county and Somerset county, we know all about life along NJ Transit’s NE Corridor, and the long hours spent riding (and waiting for) trains from Princeton and New Brunswick into the city. And how some days it could take up to 40 minutes to drive 10 miles!

So if one of you travels frequently for business, works long hours, and/or has an unpredictable commute due to traffic or public transportation, being able to commit to and fulfill your shared parenting plan responsibilities can be impossible for you (even though you want to), and unfair to the other parent.

That's why the help of an experienced mediator like Joe is critical. Joe has a number of unique and creative ways to help you create a workable parenting plan that factors in your lifestyles and enables you to spend as much time with your children as possible.


Learn more about how a parenting plan works, and if you're divorcing with kids, why it's the most important issue you’ll face.



Determining Child Support in NJ:


Here in the United States, all 50 states are required to have some sort of repeatable method for determining child support known as a child support guideline.

How it's determined varies greatly state-by-state, and each state’s model produces a significantly different result. That’s why you must follow the New Jersey child support guidelines and not one from another state.

New Jersey uses a version of something called the “income-shares” model to determine this type of support. In this model, a number of factors are taken into account, including the incomes of the parties (you and your spouse) and the timesharing each of you has with your minor children. The model will then determine a basic support amount, and allocate a portion of that amount each of you will be responsible for.

So in effect, you both pay it.

And while you might think this sounds straightforward enough, it's far from it as there are a number of complicating factors that come into play when determining child support in New Jersey.

For example, a divorcing couple's timesharing plan is one of the two main inputs into the calculation of NJ child support. But did you know New Jersey has 3 different ways to calculate support depending on the amount of time your children spend with each of you as outlined in your plan?

And, based on the age(s) of your children, NJ also has two different ways to calculate support, depending on how old they are. In addition, the NJ child support guideline only works if neither of you gets a bonus, or any other type of variable compensation, and your combined net incomes aren’t above a certain amount.

Then there’s the issue of extraordinary expenses.

The basic support amount in NJ excludes a number of other “extraordinary expenses” such as college, and extracurricular activities, which must be negotiated separately. So not only do you have to know what’s in and what’s out of the New Jersey guideline, but you also have to determine how much each of you are going to contribute to those uncovered, extraordinary expenses.

And who gets to decide what extraordinary expenses the kids incur?

If both of you have to share in their cost, but don’t agree that your child should be in gymnastics 8 days a week, how do you handle that?

Determining child support in New Jersey is not as simple as running a calculator and coming up with an amount, as there is a lot left out of the child support guidelines in NJ.

That’s why it’s important to work with a mediator with a financial background like Joe - to ensure your children get the financial support they need and don’t become the economic victims of your NJ divorce.


Learn more about how child support works in New Jersey.



Determining Alimony in New Jersey:


In New Jersey, the payment of money from one ex-spouse to another is called spousal support.

And it is to be used by the recipient spouse to assist with their expenses.

New Jersey provides a series of "factors," but nothing to help you determine an explicit amount of support that applies to your specific circumstances. Meaning it is up to you and your spouse to come to agreement on what you both think is fair.

Since there is no guideline or repeatable method for resolving this issue, nor is there a formula for determining how long it will last, if ever there was a topic that couples fight over, it’s this one!

What if a significant portion of your income is variable?

It's common for companies to offer their employees incentives where a significant portion of their income comes from a bonus or other at-risk compensation. Or for those employed in sales or financial services to receive commissions that vary from month-to-month or year-to-year.

On one hand, while you were married, it might not have mattered a whole lot since that money was going into your house checking account and used to pay your bills.

On the other hand, once you're divorced, that income will need to be shared across two households. But since those forms of income aren't necessarily earned on a regular basis, or the amount is variable every time it is earned, how will you determine a fair support amount?

What if one of you is the sole breadwinner and the other stays home with children?

Each of you play a valuable role in the financial security of your family.

The spouse working outside the home provides the income needed for the family to live. And the “at home” spouse plays a valuable role as caretaker of the children and marital home, enabling the other spouse to work the hours they need to work, or take the trips they need to take to earn that income.

But since two households are more expensive to run than one, and New Jersey has a high cost of living, to make ends meet post-divorce, what if it’s necessary for the “at home” spouse to return to the workforce at some point in the future, but they don’t know when that will happen or what they’ll be able to earn?

Since one of the factors for determining support in NJ is need, and upon a return to the workforce (in theory) the recipient’s need is reduced, what happens to the amount of alimony received?

Does it stay the same or does it change?

And if it changes, when does it change, and by how much?

Just because there isn’t a guideline or other repeatable way to resolve this issue doesn’t mean all hope is lost.

Joe has a number of tools and techniques to help guide you to a spousal support agreement that allows both of you to move forward financially now, and also in the future as your financial circumstances change.


Learn more about determining alimony in New Jersey.



Equitable Distribution in NJ (Dividing Marital Assets & Debts):


This is the process by which divorcing couples divide their marital property and debts. And is typically the last issue a mediating couple will need to discuss and resolve in their divorce.

New Jersey is an equitable distribution state. Meaning couples can come to any agreement they find “fair and equitable” when it comes to dividing their assets and liabilities. NJ is not a community property state where assets and liabilities would be split 50-50.

And again, there is very little in the way of determining what’s fair.

Add to that, there are a number of unique challenges to determining the distribution of assets and liability in a divorce in New Jersey.

Determining what marital property is, what’s the difference between marital and pre-marital property, and what factors are taken into account when discussing this topic all factor into the negotiations.

To keep things simple, let’s take a look at one of the most common challenges New Jersey couples face, and that’s the cost of housing.

For many, the marital home is the single biggest asset they own.

Let’s say you want to stay in the house you lived in while married, and you intend to buy out your spouse’s share. That means you not only need to refinance the current mortgage on the home, but borrow an additional amount, to cover what you owe your soon-to-be-ex for their share of the equity.

But what if you can’t borrow as much as you need?

So instead, you offer your soon-to-be ex a greater share of the retirement accounts to offset what you owe them?

While on paper the amounts may look the same, cash from a buyout is just that – cash – which can be used right now, and is received by your spouse tax-free. But retirement accounts contain pre-tax funds meaning when you withdraw them, you need to pay Uncle Sam his share. Plus, you need to be a certain age to take funds from them without penalty.

Certainly, there are limited exceptions to this for divorcing couples, but as a general rule, you need to be at least 59 ½ to withdraw 401(k) funds.

Sometimes, the way you want to divide your assets in NJ might appear to be fair at first glance, but when you take into account taxes and other hidden factors, your agreement can look a lot different than what you might have intended.

That's why, if you aren't working with an experienced mediator with a financial background, this part of the negotiation process can not only prove difficult, but costly, as there are a significant number of mistakes that can be made.


Learn more about equitable distribution in New Jersey.



What is the NJ divorce mediation process?

Since no two mediators are alike, the process will vary from mediator-to-mediator. But here’s a high level overview of our process:

  • First, you and your husband or wife would engage the services of our divorce mediator NJ to help you resolve all the required issues for your divorce.
  • The next phase of our process is referred to as Financial Discovery, and it's all about preparing for your mediation session or sessions. You’ll disclose your marital assets and debts, current living expenses, projected expenses after your divorced and living separately, and share some specific financial documents. Doing this creates a strong foundation for the negotiations that follow and improves the thoroughness of your agreement.
  • After you've completed Financial Discovery, you'll enter the negotiation phase of our mediation process. It’s here that Joe will meet with you and your spouse online and guide you through a series of conversations encompassing the issues that need to be settled for your divorce. If there areas of disagreement arise in a mediation session, Joe will use his expertise in a variety of dispute resolution techniques to help you  negotiate and reach agreement on these topics.
  • Once agreement is reached for all required issues, Joe will then draft a complex written document called a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU), outlining all decisions made during your negotiations.
  • Upon completion of mediation, you will be encouraged to have your written agreement reviewed by your own respective lawyer, however it is your decision whether or not to do so.
  • You will then hire a filing professional who will prepare the filing, divorce petition, and other related New Jersey court paperwork. In NJ, there are attorney and non-attorney filing professionals and it is your choice of which professional to work with.
  • Upon receipt of the proper documentation and filing fees, your uncontested divorce will be granted by a judge typically a few weeks or months later.



Do I also need a divorce lawyer if I am working with New Jersey mediators?

Lawyers are not required at any point in a divorce.

Some parties choose to speak with a divorce attorney during or after mediation to get legal advice. However, others explicitly choose to NOT involve lawyers in their divorce.

This is your divorce, so if you’d like to get an attorney’s viewpoint on a particular issue(s), you are encouraged to do so.



Do we have to be in agreement on the issues before we start divorce mediation New Jersey?

No! It is not necessary for the two of you to have everything already decided before you start mediation.

In fact, many couples specifically wait for their divorce mediator to help them talk about and resolve the issues.

This way, you can make sure all issues will be discussed thoroughly - in the proper order and given the time and attention they require.



Will divorce mediation work in a complex New Jersey divorce case?

While we can’t speak for all NJ mediators, for us the answer is a decisive yes!

There is no divorce case too complicated to be handled by our expert mediator.

Given our proficiency working with couples divorcing after 20 years of marriage or more, gray divorces, cases involving children with special needs, divorces with a business involved, cases involving variable, deferred and complicated compensation issues, and high net worth divorces, most cases we handle have a great deal of complexities.



How does working with mediators in NJ compare to divorce using lawyers?

There are significant differences between these divorce options ranging from the number of professionals involved, approach, speed, cost, fairness, control, tone, and more!

This article will help you understand in more detail, a comparison of mediation vs lawyers for divorce, and this article will help you understand the differences between mediation and collaborative law (also referred to as collaborative divorce), and the benefits we believe mediation provides.



What's the difference between a divorce mediator and a divorce mediation lawyer?

Mediators come from a variety of different backgrounds. Some are lawyers, so they may refer to themselves as a "divorce mediation lawyer." Some are mental health professionals. While others, like Equitable Mediation's founder, Joe Dillon, have a financial background.



How much does divorce mediation cost in NJ?

The total cost of divorce mediation in NJ varies greatly and is dependent on a number of factors including, but not limited to:

  • The experience and expertise of the mediator;
  • The thoroughness of the mediator’s process;
  • The comprehensiveness of the services the mediator provides;
  • The relationship dynamic between the parties and willingness to compromise and negotiate the issues.

You can work with an inexperienced mediator for a lower hourly rate or flat-fee, but then once mediation is completed, spend another few thousand dollars to have your agreement re-written by attorneys (and/or tens of thousands of dollars in the future to resolve missed issues.)

Or you can work with an experienced mediator whose fee might be higher, but who delivers a more thorough service, written agreement, and resolution on both present and known/potential future issues, which will save you money, time and stress in the long run.

To learn more, read: The Real Truth Behind Divorce Mediation Costs



How long does a NJ divorce take using mediation?

No two divorces are exactly the same, so divorce mediation can vary in length based on what needs to be decided and the couples’ interpersonal dynamics and level of agreement.

But that being said, divorce mediation can be completed in 2-4 sessions and as little as 2-3 months when working with us.

That includes time you’ll need to complete the financial discovery phase of our process, have your negotiation sessions with Joe to resolve all the issues, for Joe to draft your Memorandum of Understanding, and for you to have time to review it and provide feedback.



We're getting a divorce in NJ. How do we know if mediation is a good option for us?

Divorce mediation is a feasible option for your divorce in NJ if:

  • You are both willing to take part in a transparent, honest, and “good faith” negotiation which includes full disclosure;
  • There is a level of mutual respect between you, and because divorce mediation is a voluntary process, you’re both willing to actively participate;
  • You want a skilled divorce professional to help you resolve the required issues, but you want to maintain full control over your divorce agreement and make your own decisions.



How do I prepare for New Jersey mediation for divorce?

There are several steps you can take to prepare for divorce mediation.

Read our post for some divorce mediation tips and a NJ divorce mediation checklist.

Get a Fair and Equitable New Jersey Divorce Mediation!

Whether you work inside the home or outside of it, have minor children, grown children or are child-free, have been married a short time or have been together for many years, mediation is the smartest way to divorce in New Jersey.

If you and your spouse agreed to a mediated divorce, take the next step and book a mediation initial meeting for the two of you today!

Book an Initial Meeting


Or, if you're early in the process, learn how you benefit using mediation for divorce in NJ instead of litigation.


Where are Equitable Mediation's NJ Locations?

If you live in New Jersey, you can mediate your no-fault divorce with us using our innovative and convenient online divorce mediation format.

We have successfully mediated cases in all NJ counties.

While most NJ divorce mediators only recently began practicing online as a reaction to the Covid-19 pandemic, we’ve been mediating online since 2011!