You've reached the milestone of being married 10 years. So you figured you already got past the hardest parts in a marriage.
- Your first year of marriage negotiating the "right way" to load the dishwasher and whether or not to put the toilet seat down;
- The 7-year itch;
- And raising your kids through the terrible 2's.
But regardless of any of those things, something still changed, and here you are getting a divorce after 10 years of marriage.
And after a decade together, there's so much at stake.
Because you both have a lot to lose, you'll need to choose your divorce method carefully.
So what can you do when after a 10 year marriage, divorce is inevitable? And you don't want it to take forever, cost a fortune or destroy your family in the process?
You use divorce mediation!
3 Reasons Divorce After 10 Years is Such a Critical Milestone:
Before we look at why mediation is the best option for couples divorcing after 10 years, it's important to first talk about why if you've been married 10 years, divorce is especially challenging. Even more so than if you were to divorce after 5 years of marriage or less.
Only then will you understand:
- What's at stake;
- Why things get complicated;
- And why mediation is your best bet.
1. In a Divorce After 10 Years, You've Likely Co-Mingled Your Assets and Liabilities
In a short marriage divorce situation, couples probably haven't yet co-mingled their assets or liabilities.
They still have separate property and debts such as checking accounts, credit cards, cars. And statements from their pension or 401(k) from before they got married.
The trust may not be quite there yet to take such a bold step and co-mingle finances. Which makes figuring out who gets what less complicated when they divorce.
But after being married 10 years, divorce is more difficult because you've already co-mingled many or all of your assets and liabilities.
At the 10-year mark, you most likely have joint marital property:
- Joint checking accounts;
- Joint credit cards which contain marital debts and purchases from your 10 years of living together;
- Purchased a house and used funds from your separate accounts to make this joint purchase;
And you're well on your way towards accumulating enough retirement funds for your golden years.
You've joined your lives together financially.
Which will make separating your assets and liabilities all the more complex.
2. In a Divorce After 10 Years of Marriage, One of You May Work Inside the Home While One of You Works Outside of It
If you're like many couples, you were married 3 to 5 years before you decided to have children and expand your family.
And you may have made the decision for one of you to stay at home with the kids.
So when seeking a divorce after 10 years, if that's the case and one of you is home with the kids, you've probably been out of the workforce just long enough that jumping right back in and earning what you used to earn may be difficult if not impossible.
Even if you and your spouse are both working outside the home, you probably rely on each other quite a bit for your daily routine.
Because your kids are in the phase where school, homework, after-school activities, sports, religious education and being invited to friends' birthday parties are in full swing.
So you and your spouse are a taxi service, constantly having to shuttle them from place-to-place.
For couples married 10 years, divorce is disruptive to your "normal" routine. And messing with that now, especially while your kids are young, can be quite a challenge.
3. How Alimony is Determined Can Change at The 10 Year Mark
The duration of your marriage will also often determine the length of alimony (spousal support / maintenance / spousal maintenance).
And in some states, divorce after 10 years represents an important milestone when it comes to alimony.
Some states consider a divorce before 10 years of marriage "shorter term." So the duration of alimony isn't as long as it would be for a couple in arried 10 years or more.
To be clear:
I'm not suggesting you should stay stuck in an unhappy marriage just so you can get to 10 years on the chance it will increase the duration of your alimony.
I am simply stating that how alimony is determined can change at the 10 year mark. And because there are few formulas and little guidance on how to determine alimony, things can get quite complicated and contentious if you're not careful.
Caution: Using Lawyers When Divorcing After 10 Years Can Be a Recipe for Disaster
So far you've learned 3 issues that can complicate things when divorcing after 10 years of marriage.
And since these are complex topics, your first inclination may be to hire a divorce attorney.
Which is not a good idea.
When Dividing Your Assets and Liabilities:
Now that you're facing divorce, you'll have to figure out "who gets what." And how that all happens depends on where you live.
For example, some of the states we practice in use the principles of equitable distribution (Illinois, New Jersey, New York and Pennsylvania), while in California, where we also practice, the principles of community property are used instead.
But here's the thing...
Whether you live in an equitable distribution state or a community property state, you and your spouse still have quite a bit of freedom to determine how you split your marital property and debts.
There aren't really any formulas or guidelines on how things should be divided. It just needs to be fair.
But when it comes to divorce, what does fair even mean?
Unfortunately, no one is exactly clear on that important detail.
So basically, you've got no formulas on how to divide your assets and liabilities, and no clear definition of fair.
Now throw family law attorneys into the mix and you've got a real recipe for disaster on your hands.
They're going to need to justify their exorbitant fees. And what better way to do that than by:
- Digging in;
- Fighting endlessly;
- And showing you how much more they got you?
But what some people don't realize until it's too late, is that the extra $5,000 in retirement funds their lawyer spent 6 months getting them, wound up costing $10,000 in attorney fees.
Not such a good deal anymore, is it?
When Determining Your Roles as Co-Parents:
Again, a divorce lawyer's job is to advocate or fight for their one client.
Which might be all well and good if a box falls on your head at a major home-improvement chain and you need your medical bills paid for.
But not good when it comes to determining the role each of you will play in your children's future.
Do you want your attorney fighting for you to get a majority of the parenting time? While your spouse is left to maybe one night during the week and every other weekend?
Is that truly what's best for your kids? To only see their mom or dad 14% to 28% of the time?
Of course not!
It's in their best interests to see both of their parents as much as possible. And you know it!
You don't need two lawyers fighting it out in court to create your parenting plan or timesharing arrangement. It will only destroy your children.
When Determining Alimony:
As previously mentioned, there are very few states in the US that have an alimony guideline. Making alimony difficult to determine even under the best of conditions.
Now take this highly charged topic, throw a few bulldogs into the ring along with a complete lack of guidance and you've got a never-ending court battle that will last years.
And wind up costing you more in legal bills than you would ever have paid or received in alimony.
This is not something you or your spouse ever want to consider. No matter how upset you may be with each other.
Married 10 Years? Divorce Mediation is Your Best Solution.
If you've made the decision to divorce after 10 years of marriage, you'll get the best outcome when you mediate your divorce with the help of the expert mediation team at Equitable Mediation.
- Divorce after 10 years is often different than divorce after 5 years or less - the 10-year mark is an important milestone when it comes to a marriage;
- There is very little guidance on how things should be divided and decided;
- Involving lawyers will only make things worse and cost you more time and money.
Divorce mediation enables you to control the terms of your agreement, put the needs of your children first, and peacefully and fairly divorce without lawyers.
Now you know exactly why mediation is your best bet for divorce after being married a decade.
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