Every marriage tells its own unique story, and yours is no different. As a divorce coach, I’ve worked with countless individuals who’ve shared their deeply personal reasons for questioning their marriage – from betrayals of trust through infidelity, to the grinding stress of financial disagreements, to the quiet pain of a sexless marriage or the gradual fading of intimacy.
Perhaps you’re experiencing the subtle ache of growing apart, watching as the person you once felt so connected to begins to feel like a stranger. But the question “Should I get a divorce?” rarely comes with a clear answer.
You might find yourself wondering if you’re just going through a temporary rough patch that all marriages face, or if these feelings signal something deeper. Perhaps you’re questioning whether your internal conflict is justified, or if you’re making mountains out of molehills. These doubts are completely natural – in fact, they often show just how seriously you’re taking this decision.
Should I get divorced? 4 questions to ask before deciding
Making the decision to end your marriage isn’t like those heated moments during an argument when “I want a divorce!” might slip out in frustration. This is a deeper, more thoughtful process – one that deserves your time and careful reflection.
After all, choosing divorce isn’t just about ending a relationship; it’s a decision that will touch every aspect of your life. It will influence your daily routines, reshape your financial landscape, and even shift how you see yourself as a person. If you have children, these changes become even more significant.
While there’s no simple formula to tell you whether divorce is the right choice, there are meaningful questions that you can ask yourself to help you understand where your marriage stands. These indicators can help you and your spouse get on the same page about the future of your relationship, whether that means working to rebuild it or beginning to consider divorce as your next step forward.
Question 1: Have you given your own marriage every chance to heal?
Before asking yourself “Should I get a divorce?” consider this gentler question: “Have I explored every meaningful path to rebuild this relationship?” This isn’t about placing blame or creating guilt – it’s about ensuring you can move forward without lingering doubts about what might have been.
Every person’s journey to save their marriage looks different. You might find insight through self-help books that help you understand your authentic self more deeply. Perhaps you’ve already taken the step of working with a marriage counselor, either individually or as a couple. Some couples find hope through the mediation process, while others discover clarity through discernment counseling or marriage therapy. This is especially important in long-term relationships or when children are involved.
Taking time to explore these options isn’t just about checking boxes – it’s about knowing you’ve given your relationship every chance to heal.
If you can look back and honestly say you’ve made every meaningful effort to save your marriage, and still feel that reconciliation isn’t possible, then you can move forward with the divorce process knowing you’ve made a thoughtful, considered decision.
Question 2: Are you processing your emotions with care?
Let’s be honest – divorce stirs up a complex storm of emotions that can affect everything from your sleep to your appetite, even impacting your nervous system. Whether you’re the one first considering divorce or responding to your partner’s decision, you might be experiencing a whirlwind of feelings: hurt, confusion, guilt, anger, and yes – sometimes relief. All of these emotions are completely normal and valid.
As a divorce coach, I’ve seen how crucial it is to address these emotional aspects before making life-changing decisions as the potential consequences of not doing so are significant.
Your ability to make clear, thoughtful choices about your future depends largely on how well you’re processing these complex feelings. While it might seem easier to push these emotions aside, dealing with them is essential for your wellbeing and decision-making ability.
If you’re finding it challenging to sort through these feelings on your own, a licensed counselor experienced in divorce, a therapist, or a divorce coach can provide a safe space to explore your emotions and help guide you toward clarity in your decision-making process.
Question 3: Are you prepared for your new role as a co-parent?
When children are involved, the question of divorce becomes more complex. As our divorce mediator Joe wisely says, “You may no longer be husband and wife, but you’ll always be mom and dad.” This means your relationship with your spouse doesn’t end – it transforms. Take time to envision yourself in your new role as a co-parent. This transition brings both challenges and opportunities.
While it may seem daunting, remember that your children benefit from having both parents actively involved in their lives after divorce.
Consider whether you’re ready for this significant change in your family dynamic, and how you might navigate this new chapter of your parenting journey with your ex husband or wife.
Question 4: Have you explored your options for the divorce process?
Just as each marriage is unique, there are several paths through divorce that can be tailored to your situation. Whether it’s divorce mediation, litigation, or collaborative divorce, each approach has its own benefits and considerations. Understanding these options before making your final decision can help you feel more prepared and confident about the path forward.
While your divorce professional will guide you through specific details about things like parenting plans and property division, having a basic understanding of these concepts can help you feel more empowered during negotiations. This knowledge helps you approach your separation agreement with clarity about what matters most to you and where you might be willing to compromise.
Remember, taking time to explore these questions isn’t about delaying your decision – it’s about ensuring you move forward with confidence, clarity, and a solid understanding of your path ahead.
Whether you ultimately choose to work on your marriage or proceed with divorce, your thoughtful consideration of these questions will help guide you toward the right decision for you and your family.
The personal journey of knowing when it’s time to divorce
If you’re hoping for a clear-cut answer about when to get a divorce, I understand that desire completely. We often wish for someone to simply tell us when it’s time to make this life-changing decision.
But through years of working with divorcing individuals (possibly) just like you, I’ve come to understand that the decision to divorce is as unique as the marriage itself. Every relationship carries its own complex story, challenges, and circumstances that make the decision deeply personal.
Think about it this way: each person brings their own set of values, personal boundaries, life goals, and emotional capacities to their marriage. These individual factors shape not only how we experience our relationships but also how we make decisions about their future. Our ability to face uncertainty and navigate emotional challenges plays a crucial role in whether – and when – we feel ready to consider divorce.
What I find particularly interesting in our mediation practice is how often we see couples who both recognize their relationship is beyond repair, yet they remain in their unhappy marriage for months or even years before taking steps toward divorce. This isn’t because they’re unaware of their situation – they often have complete clarity about the state of their relationship. Instead, their hesitation usually stems from deeper, more personal reasons that only they fully understand.
Understanding this complexity helps explain why there’s no universal formula for knowing when to divorce. Your journey is shaped by your unique circumstances, values, and readiness for change. What matters isn’t finding the “right” time that works for everyone, but rather recognizing when the decision feels authentic to your own situation and values.
10 signs you’re in an unhappy relationship: Understanding when it’s time for change
Let’s now explore some signs that might help you understand your situation better and guide you toward the right decision for you and your family.
1. You find yourself longing for independence
Remember those days when you lived in that Chicago walk-up or that cozy Hoboken studio? It’s natural to occasionally reminisce about simpler times. But if you’re constantly dreaming about life without your partner and feeling like you’d be happier alone, it might be time to pause and reflect. This isn’t about occasional daydreams – it’s about a persistent feeling that your life would be more fulfilling on your own.
2. Your relationship has become one-sided
A healthy marriage – or any good relationship for that matter – thrives on mutual support and understanding. When you notice your needs – whether physical, emotional, or spiritual – are consistently going unmet, it can leave you feeling empty and disconnected. If you’re putting in all the effort while your partner seems checked out, it might be time to seek professional help or have an honest conversation about where your marriage stands.
3. The children have become your only reason
As author Jennifer Weiner beautifully puts it, “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage and teaching your children the wrong things about love.”
This truth often hits hard, but it’s important to remember that children are incredibly intuitive. They pick up on the subtle dynamics between parents, and these observations shape their understanding of what relationships should look like.
If you’re holding on solely for the kids, consider this: what kind of relationship model are you providing them? Sometimes, choosing a child-focused divorce through mediation can actually give your children a healthier perspective on relationships and self-respect.
4. Counseling hasn’t brought you closer
You’ve both tried – perhaps you’ve spent hours in couples counseling, working to rebuild your connection. But despite these efforts, you still feel worlds apart. It’s important to acknowledge that sometimes, even with our best efforts and professional help, relationships don’t heal the way we hope they would. If you’ve genuinely committed to the counseling process but still feel disconnected, it might be time to consider other options.
5. You’re experiencing abuse
This is perhaps the most serious sign, and it deserves immediate attention. If you’re experiencing any form of abuse – whether emotional or physical – please know that you deserve safety and respect. You’re not alone, and there are people ready to help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) has caring professionals available 24/7 to help you develop a support system and guide you toward safety.
6. Your marriage feels like settling
If you’re staying in your marriage simply because it seems easier than facing change, take a moment to reflect on what this means. While change is scary, settling for an unfulfilling relationship out of fear can slowly chip away at your well-being. This feeling often signals that your relationship needs professional help or a serious reevaluation.
7. Trust and respect have eroded
Think about the foundation of your relationship – the trust and mutual respect that once bound you together. If these crucial elements have crumbled, and you find yourself unable to rebuild them despite your best efforts, it might be time to speak with a divorce mediator or attorney about your options.
8. Financial security has become your only tie
Yes, maintaining two households is more expensive than one. And going through property division negotiations to determine “who gets what” creates additional stress. But if financial security is the only thread holding your marriage together, it might be time to explore your options. Consider working with a financial advisor to understand what independence might look like for you. Or purchase a pre-divorce financial preparation kit. If you’ve been focusing on family care, this might mean returning to the workforce – a challenging but potentially empowering change.
9. You’re staying for others’ approval
Divorce can feel like a personal failure, especially when you’re worried about disappointing family and friends. But remember – those who truly love you will want to see you happy and fulfilled. Your well-being matters more than others’ opinions, and you deserve to find a meaningful relationship that brings you joy.
10. Emotional or physical infidelity has entered the picture
Infidelity isn’t always about physical relationships. Those late-night text conversations with an old flame or emotionally charged online chats? They can be just as damaging to your marriage. If you’re seeking connection outside your relationship, it might be time to explore why through marriage counseling or consider whether your marriage has run its course.
Trust your inner wisdom: The personal nature of your decision
Contemplating divorce represents one of life’s most profound crossroads, a moment when we’re called to look deeply at both our relationships and ourselves. As you’ve explored these questions about your marriage, you’ve likely discovered insights about your relationship, your needs, and your hopes for the future that you hadn’t fully recognized before.
The very act of asking these difficult questions shows remarkable courage, and that courage deserves acknowledgment.
If you’re experiencing uncertainty, know that this isn’t a sign of weakness or indecision. Rather, it reflects the depth of thought you’re bringing to this important life choice. This isn’t about making an emotionally reactive decision in a moment of frustration – it’s about carefully considering your path forward with wisdom and self-awareness.
Remember that seeking support during this time isn’t just helpful – it’s an act of self-care that can provide crucial clarity. Professional help through marriage counseling can offer tools for rebuilding your relationship if that’s the path you choose. A financial advisor can help you understand the practical implications of different choices. The mediation process can guide you toward peaceful resolution if separation becomes your chosen path. These professionals bring not just expertise, but also an objective perspective that can help illuminate your options.
As you move forward from here, carry with you the knowledge that you’re showing tremendous strength by facing these challenging matters with honesty and careful consideration. Your commitment to understanding your situation fully, rather than making hasty decisions, speaks to your wisdom and emotional maturity. Whether you choose to work on rebuilding your marriage or begin the process of separation, you’re creating a foundation for healing and growth.
Bonus Section: “What advice would you give?” Heartfelt guidance from leading relationship experts
We’ve been privileged to work with couples over many years, gathering wisdom from relationship experts, counselors, and people who’ve walked this path before you. We’d like to share these insights to help you navigate this difficult time with more clarity and self-compassion.
If you’re questioning your marriage, you’re on one of life’s most challenging emotional journeys. Please know that feeling overwhelmed, uncertain, and even scared is completely natural – whether you’re just beginning to wonder about your relationship’s future or you’re seeing clear signs that it’s time for a change.
Question 1: For someone who is considering divorce, how would you help them decide if they’re in a healthy relationship?
What advice would you give someone whose marriage is clearly struggling, yet despite their desire for change, they remain frozen by fear and major concerns, unable to take those first steps forward?
Understand Your True Desires
Marriage and Family Therapist Danielle Adinolfi invites you to begin with a gentle exercise to connect with your authentic self: imagine your perfect day. “What would it look like? What would you be doing? Who would you be with?” she asks. Your answer often reveals your deepest feelings about your relationships. If your partner doesn’t naturally appear in that vision of your ideal future, it might be time to explore your needs with professional support.
Take Time for Reflection
Kate Engler, drawing from her extensive counseling experience, encourages you to avoid making decisions in moments of high emotion. “When partners reach this point, there have usually been major issues and uncertainty in the relationship for a long haul,” she notes. She suggests taking time to truly understand yourself by listening to both your thoughts and your body’s signals. Those physical responses – like a knotted stomach or tension headaches – often carry important messages about your needs.
Marriage counselor David Klow shares that “people usually report their divorce process goes better if they really felt like they tried everything they could to first maintain a meaningful relationship.” While you might feel you’ve explored every option, there may be unexplored ways to reconnect with your partner.
Evaluate the Relationship’s Potential
Jose Perez, a licensed marriage and family therapist, gently suggests examining the core aspects of your relationship. Consider whether your spouse is genuinely open to growth and healing. He encourages you to reflect on whether fear, rather than irreconcilable differences, might be driving your thoughts. “Is there anything in this relationship that could blossom into something better with professional help?” he asks.
Seek Professional Support
Nathalie C. Theodore understands how isolating marriage difficulties can feel. “When you’re contemplating divorce, you may not feel comfortable sharing these thoughts with family members or friends, let alone your spouse,” she explains. A marriage counselor can offer both a safe space and caring guidance as you explore your path forward.
Look to the Future
Laura Alper shares a thoughtful exercise: envision your life 5, 10, 15, and 20 years ahead, both within and outside your current marriage. This gentle exploration can help illuminate your true feelings about different possible futures. She offers this compassionate advice: “When in doubt, delay.” If uncertainty lingers, consider giving yourself and your relationship more time – perhaps six months – to explore whether healing is possible.
Understand Your Relationship Patterns
Dr. Pamela Brand reminds us that conflict naturally occurs in most marriages, but understanding what prevents couples from meeting each other’s needs is crucial. Sometimes, simple patterns like stubbornness can block the path to growth and connection.
Question 2: How will someone know when their marriage is over?
The realization that a marriage has ended rarely comes as a sudden insight. Instead, it often emerges gradually, accompanied by complex emotions and practical concerns. While there’s no universal signal that marks the end of a marriage, our colleagues and relationship experts have identified several meaningful indicators to help guide your reflection.
Understand the Role of Fear
Marriage and family therapist Irene Schreiner compassionately notes that recognizing a marriage’s end and taking action rarely happen simultaneously. Many find themselves in a difficult space between knowing and doing, held back by fears about finances, childcare, and feelings of failure. These fears are completely natural and deserve gentle acknowledgment.
Break Free from Negative Thought Patterns
Licensed clinical social worker Justin Tobin understands how recurring negative thoughts can keep us stuck. These patterns often convince us that the consequences of change will be overwhelming. The key to moving forward lies in recognizing how fear itself might be holding us back from living authentically. This awareness requires courage, especially when we’re struggling with self-doubt.
Evaluate the Cost of Staying
Claudia Rosen, LCSW, offers a thoughtful framework: “What is the price I pay for staying in the marriage, and what would be the price for ending it?” This careful consideration helps illuminate both the tangible and emotional aspects of your decision. Some fears can be addressed practically, while others are natural parts of any significant, major life change.
The Impact on Self-Worth
Nathalie C. Theodore gently explores how staying in an unhappy marriage often connects to our sense of self-worth. When we doubt ourselves, we might question our ability to handle major changes. Sometimes, recognizing the end of a bad marriage involves rebuilding our confidence and developing tools to manage anxiety about the future.
Move Forward Deliberately
Amy Beth Acker encourages approaching change thoughtfully rather than seeing it as a frightening leap. She suggests staying connected to your reasons for considering divorce and using them to guide meaningful action. Writing down your fears and addressing them step by step can transform overwhelming emotions into manageable steps.
Consider the Broader Impact
Divorce mediator Joe Dillon shares an important perspective about staying in an unhappy marriage, especially when children are involved. He reminds us that children learn from watching their parents’ relationships and may carry these patterns into their own lives. Sometimes, acknowledging the end of a marriage isn’t just about personal happiness – it’s about modeling self-respect and healthy boundaries for the next generation.
The Role of Professional Support
Ewelina Beardmore, LCPC, emphasizes the value of exploring fears and anxieties with professional guidance. A therapist can help distinguish between fear-based projections and current realities, while also considering how staying impacts both your present wellbeing and potential future peace of mind.
Question 3: Should someone stay in a loveless marriage for financial reasons?
Facing the question of whether to remain in an unhappy marriage solely for financial security can feel overwhelmingly difficult, especially for those who haven’t worked outside the home in years or have become financially dependent. Let’s explore how to balance both the practical realities and your emotional wellbeing as you consider this complex decision.
Understand the Financial Fear
Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor Ewelina Beardmore acknowledges just how overwhelming financial concerns can feel, particularly if you haven’t been in the workforce for an extended period. The prospect of suddenly needing to provide for yourself—and possibly children—while potentially relying on others’ support can create intense anxiety. These fears are completely valid and deserve recognition, but they shouldn’t be the only guide for your life’s direction.
Examine Your Core Values
Claudia Rosen, LCSW, gently encourages you to consider how your choices align with your fundamental values: “What do I value most in life, and how does the decision to divorce or stay married align with my priorities?” While financial security is a legitimate concern, it’s important to reflect on whether prioritizing it over emotional wellbeing feels true to your authentic self.
This reflection becomes especially meaningful when considering children. As Rosen notes, parents often serve as models for how to make life choices. Consider what message prioritizing financial stability over emotional wellbeing might convey about relationships and personal happiness.
Understand the Psychology of Financial Dependency
Justin Tobin thoughtfully explores how financial dependency affects our self-image and personal growth. While staying for financial reasons might seem practical, this arrangement can impact our fundamental needs and sense of self, potentially leading to depression and diminished self-worth.
He suggests an illuminating exercise: imagine your adult child seeking advice about staying in an unhappy marriage for financial security. Your guidance to them might reveal your deeper wisdom about your own situation.
Reclaim Your Identity
Tobin reminds us that we are more than our role as financially dependent spouses. He encourages reconnecting with your whole self through various life roles—as friends, family members, community participants—and remembering dreams and aspirations that may have been set aside. Recognizing your inherent worth can help build the confidence needed to consider change.
Examine The Practical Path Forward
Divorce Coach Cheryl Dillon brings a balanced perspective to this challenging decision. While divorce might feel like a necessary wake-up call, it requires careful consideration of both emotional and financial implications. The process inevitably creates expenses rather than income, and maintaining two households costs more than one.
However, Dillon emphasizes that financial concerns shouldn’t trap you in an unhappy marriage. Instead, let them motivate you to approach change thoughtfully and prepare adequately. This might involve exploring collaborative divorce options, understanding legal requirements, and planning for an amicable separation that minimizes both emotional and financial strain.
Find Alternative Forms of Stability
Beardmore suggests exploring different ways to meet your own needs beyond financial security. This might involve developing new skills, strengthening your support system, or discovering different forms of security through professional help and personal growth. Sometimes, redefining what security means can help you recognize that emotional wellbeing is essential for your long-term happiness.
About the Authors – Divorce Mediators You Can Trust
Equitable Mediation Services is a trusted and nationally recognized provider of divorce mediation, serving couples exclusively in California, New Jersey, Washington, New York, Illinois, and Pennsylvania. Founded in 2008, this husband-and-wife team has successfully guided more than 1,000 couples through the complex divorce process, helping them reach amicable, fair, and thorough agreements that balance each of their interests and prioritizes their children’s well-being. All without involving attorneys if they so choose.
At the heart of Equitable Mediation are Joe Dillon, MBA, and Cheryl Dillon, CPC—two compassionate, experienced professionals committed to helping couples resolve divorce’s financial, emotional, and practical issues peacefully and with dignity.
Joe Dillon, MBA – Divorce Mediator & Negotiation Expert
As a seasoned Divorce Mediator with an MBA in Finance, Joe Dillon specializes in helping clients navigate complex parental and financial issues, including:
- Physical and legal custody
- Spousal support (alimony) and child support
- Equitable distribution and community property division
- Business ownership
- Retirement accounts, stock options, and RSUs
Joe’s unique blend of financial acumen, mediation expertise, and personal insight enables him to skillfully guide couples through complex divorce negotiations, reaching fair agreements that safeguard the family’s emotional and financial well-being.
He brings clarity and structure to even the most challenging negotiations, ensuring both parties feel heard, supported, and in control of their outcome. This approach has earned him a reputation as one of the most trusted names in alternative dispute resolution.
Cheryl Dillon, CPC – Certified Divorce Coach & Life Transitions Expert
Cheryl Dillon is a Certified Professional Coach (CPC) and the Divorce Coach at Equitable Mediation. She earned a bachelor’s degree in psychology and completed formal training at The Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC) – an internationally recognized leader in the field of coaching education.
Her unique blend of emotional intelligence, coaching expertise, and personal insight enables her to guide individuals through divorce’s emotional complexities compassionately.
Cheryl’s approach fosters improved communication, reduced conflict, and better decision-making, equipping clients to manage divorce’s challenges effectively. Because emotions have a profound impact on shaping the divorce process, its outcomes, and future well-being of all involved.
What We Offer: Flat-Fee, Full-Service Divorce Mediation
Equitable Mediation provides:
- Full-service divorce mediation with real financial expertise
- Convenient, online sessions via Zoom
- Unlimited sessions for one customized flat fee (no hourly billing surprises)
- Child custody and parenting plan negotiation
- Spousal support and asset division mediation
- Divorce coaching and emotional support
- Free and paid educational courses on the divorce process
Whether clients are facing financial complexities, looking to safeguard their children’s futures, or trying to protect everything they’ve worked hard to build, Equitable Mediation has the expertise to guide them towards the outcomes that matter most to them and their families.
Why Couples Choose Equitable Mediation
- 98% case resolution rate
- Trusted by over 1,000 families since 2008
- Subject-matter experts in the states in which they practice
- Known for confidential, respectful, and cost-effective processes
- Recommendations by therapists, financial planners, and former clients
Equitable Mediation Services operates in:
- California: San Francisco, San Diego, Los Angeles
- New Jersey: Bridgewater, Morristown, Short Hills
- Washington: Seattle, Bellevue, Kirkland
- New York: NYC, Long Island
- Illinois: Chicago, North Shore
- Pennsylvania: Philadelphia, Bucks County, Montgomery County, Pittsburgh, Allegheny County
Schedule a Free Info Call to learn if you’re a good candidate for divorce mediation with Joe and Cheryl.
