Going Solo Interview Transcript: Joe Dillon on Divorce Mediation

Host: Cece Schatz, Going Solo Network
Guest: Joe Dillon, Equitable Mediation Service

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Cece: Good morning, everyone. Welcome to Going Solo, Life After Relationship Loss. I’m your host, Cece Schatz. Today we have a really great show about mediation for those going through divorce and trying to figure out an easier way than arguing and fighting to make your family life miserable.

We have the expert here today – Joe Dillon. Joe, you’re a pioneer in divorce mediation. You’ve been helping couples navigate through the end of marriages with dignity and financial wisdom for over 17 years. You’re the co-founder of Equitable Mediation Service, and you combine your MBA in finance with specialized training from Harvard, MIT, and Northwestern University. Tell us why you decided that mediation was so important that you were going to devote your life to it.

Joe: That’s a great question. My parents litigated their divorce, so I’m a child of a litigated divorce. My high school years were consumed by my parents’ divorce – sitting in waiting rooms at my mom’s lawyer’s office, sitting in the back of courtrooms or in hallways at the county courthouse. That’s not really how you want to spend your life.

Their divorce was so terrible that they fought and fought. It took years to unfold and my mom never recovered. She was about 45, and then she never dated, never made any friends, really didn’t rebuild her life. My dad was so angry at the settlement that he stopped talking to me and my mom. The last time I saw him, I was 15 years old in the lobby of a courthouse where they had been arguing over who was going to pay for me to go to college. In 2019, I got a letter in the mail that said he died.

That story really imprinted on me – there is a right way and a wrong way to do this. I wish everybody could mediate. Not everyone can, but you’d be surprised. If you act like an adult, put your kids first, and really focus on the damage it’s going to do to you both financially and emotionally, then you can mediate.

Cece: Thank you for sharing that. Parents need to know that because when they’re in the midst of divorce and fighting about their futures, sometimes they forget about their children’s futures too. It’s not just about the dollar signs – it’s also about the mental part, and that can affect kids as they continue on.

Now here in Florida, we have mediation built into the process, but people don’t take advantage of it. Let’s talk about how people can really use that mediation time when they’ve already gotten an attorney and filed their paperwork.

Joe: There’s court-appointed mediation that varies from state to state, but you can always go to private mediation. I’m a private mediator – I don’t work through the court system. A good lawyer is going to say, “Let’s try mediation first. What’s the worst that can happen? It’s non-binding. We don’t come to an agreement, you don’t have to stick to it. Then we can go the legal route.”

One thing people don’t know – statistically, 2% of all divorce cases get in front of a judge. The judges don’t want to see you. They’re busy with other things. They don’t want to listen to you about the toaster or holiday disputes.

But even before you get into that process, you can work with a private mediator. You can search for “divorce mediator near me” and find somebody like myself who will mediate before you even retain an attorney. When you’re done with us, you can have an attorney review everything and go through the formal process.

The advantage is you’re off the clock. When you file papers and get court-ordered mediation, you’ve got a court date with pressure to settle by a certain day. These are big decisions, especially for folks in their 50s and 60s who’ve been married a long time with a lot to unwind. If you go to a private mediator, you control the clock and can enter the court system when you’re ready.

Cece: I totally agree. Why not take control of that? If you can do it beforehand with a private mediator, you can sit down and figure out what you truly want and where you envision your life to be in the future. A mediator will help you do that.

So what’s the first thing someone should do? How do they get their partner on board with mediation?

Joe: First, understand that mediation is a voluntary process – both parties have to be willing. You can’t convince someone to mediate if they don’t want to. The first step is getting your spouse on board.

On our website, we have a guide on the five options for divorce – by far our most popular resource. It covers the pros and cons of each option, what you need to do and understand. By reviewing that, maybe with your spouse, you can say, “This is the option that sounds best for us.”

As a neutral third party, I emphasize that I don’t represent either person – I advocate for both of you. I want a solution that’s best for the collective, your kids, your family, and your future. By having a meeting with both spouses and me, I can help set that tone.

Often one person finds us first, and the other person thinks, “That’s your mediator.” I clarify – I am not your mediator, I am our mediator. Getting that buy-in from a spouse by having them feel part of the decision is key.

Cece: Let’s talk about cost. The difference between mediation and going the argumentative route with attorneys is significant, right?

Joe: Absolutely. As we say to clients, it takes two people to be married, but only one to get a divorce. Whether or not you want that divorce, it will happen. It’s simply a function of how much time, money, and emotional capital you want to spend. You can either do it the easier way and start building your new life, or fight and pay a lot of money and still wind up in the same spot – except instead of two to three months, it’ll be two to three years with an empty bank account.

Cece: Sometimes people spend a lot of time arguing over something that may not be essential – like candlesticks. How do you handle issues that seem mundane but aren’t mundane to the person?

Joe: When I was taking training at Harvard, I learned about the book “Getting to Yes” – a classic on negotiation. One key principle is looking for the reason behind the reason. With the candlesticks example, it’s not about the object. There’s some hidden reason this person is negotiating this way.

A good mediator won’t keep going at the candlesticks directly – they’ll circle around to see what’s under the hood. Usually, you’ll find out it’s not about the candlesticks at all. It might be, “I had to walk the dog more when we were married” – something completely disconnected from the item at hand.

When you get to that “aha moment,” it pops the balloon and lets all the air out of the argument. Once you find that underlying issue and address it, the rest of the conversation flows because you’ve made a breakthrough.

Cece: This is the beauty of mediation – it allows people to slow down, take a breath, and get to the bottom of what’s bothering them. Let’s talk about what all a mediator can do, because I want people to know there’s a vast amount of things you can help with.

Joe: There’s a real misconception out there. People ask, “You mean you can help us come to agreements on child support?” Of course! All the issues required to get a divorce – property division, alimony, parenting plans, child support – a good mediator can help you resolve.

Because of my background in finance, I take an analytical approach. When I help people craft an agreement, I want it to be realistic, executable, and something they won’t look back on 12 or 24 months later and think is terrible or unfair.

A good mediator guides you through what lawyers call the discovery process – exchanging all information. We’ll frame out all the issues, negotiate through what we call the four big brackets: parenting, child support, alimony, and property division.

But mediation really shines when dealing with other issues the courts don’t handle. For example, I’m a proud pet parent, and the courts don’t have pet parenting plans. But a mediator can help you craft a pet parenting plan and pet support agreement.

The result is what’s known as a memorandum of understanding – a detailed document with all the language you agree to that becomes your roadmap for moving forward.

Cece: That’s great advice. I love that you can have someone else review it, and if issues come up later, you can go back to the mediator. The reality is you get control of your life – you and your partner are in the driver’s seat.

Joe: Exactly. Let’s just talk about what you want to do, what your goals are. People forget that in family court, it’s a court of equity, not law. Equity means fair, but not necessarily equal. It’s what you both think is fair, and that might not be 50-50.

If you enter the court system, a judge might think something is fair for you, but you might not agree. In mediation, you decide what you think is fair and take that to the courts saying, “This is what we want.”

There’s no magic rulebook. Sure, there are guidelines, but if you read the statutes, there’s no formula. It’s all conversation and negotiation, which is what we do in mediation.

Cece: So wherever you live, in any state, there are mediators available. Do your homework, find one you think will work for you, and see if this is the route you want to go to have control of what you’re going to do.

Joe is in California. If you’re in that area, reach out to him at equitablemediation.com or email jdillon@equitablemediation.com. Any last words for our audience?

Joe: The sooner you get through your divorce, the sooner you can rebuild your life. I don’t know how many years any of us have on this planet, and I wish very healthy, long lives for everyone listening today. But why waste them in a courtroom? Why waste them being angry and fighting? Just get through the process, rebuild your life, and move forward.

Cece: That’s great advice. Remember, you can use a mediator not only during your divorce but also after. If you find yourself in a situation where you need to work out another agreement or revamp something as your family grows and moves forward in life, get a mediator and sit down to figure out what needs to be changed.

Thank you for being with us on Going Solo, Life After Relationship Loss. This is Cece Schatz reminding you that the next chapter of your life is not yet written.