6. Loss of identity:

When some couples decide to have a family, they agree that one will continue their career, while the other will stay home and raise the kids.

Each spouse plays an important role in the growth and success of the family unit. And oftentimes, each individual’s identity and sense of purpose is tied directly to their “job.” One whose focus is the primary breadwinner and the other as the primary caregiver.

But when the day comes that the youngest goes off to college, things change significantly for the parent whose primary role it was to raise the children. For the breadwinner, the meetings, conference calls, and work trips continue, with no major changes to their routine. But for the stay-at-home mom or dad, life as they know it has come to an end. Leaving them with a serious sadness, loss of identity, and a tremendous void in their life.

7. Biological and physiological aging-related changes:

Youth and happiness is the fuel that keeps their engines running, and the tank is always full! But in mid-life, age-related changes may make the needle feel like it’s on empty. For men, a drop in testosterone can impact everything from energy level to sex drive, and for women, menopause and related hormonal changes can do the same.

For some couples, one partner may struggle with the impacts of age-related changes to a larger degree than the other. And those changes in physical health and desire can contribute to friction in the marriage.

8. Loss of employment:

There’s a saying that goes, “A life well-lived is a life lived with purpose,” and for some, that purpose is their work. But if that sense of self and purpose is taken away involuntarily through a lay-off or forced retirement, it can alter an individual’s sense of self, and irreparably alter communication and the relationship dynamic in a negative way. Since these types of “downsizing” events typically affect workers in their mid to late-50s, chances are that individual has (or is about to have) an empty nest.

With no job to go to, and no children at home to attend to, a spouse can lose their sense of purpose in the marriage, which can lead to depression, and/or divorce.

9. Conflict over continuing caregiving responsibilities:

You and your spouse knew that by having children, you would be spending 18 years of your marriage raising your kids. You also believed that once the kids were grown, you could finally have the freedom to travel the world, live life, and do all the things you dreamt about doing as a couple. But many children are boomeranging back for financial reasons – or are unable to fully leave the nest in the first place.

Humans are also living longer these days. In fact, since 1950, there has been a significant uptick in life expectancy in developed nations – increasing from an average of around 65 years to nearly 80 years today. As a result, more and more middle-aged couples are finding themselves in the sandwich generation – financially and emotionally supporting elderly parents, and their adult children – indefinitely.

When this happens, one spouse may be bitter that this situation is preventing them from living their shared goals and dreams, and project that resentment onto their partner (especially if the elderly parents in question are their in-laws!)

10. Too much time on their/my hands:

While many of the parents we talk to enjoy the track meets, parent-teacher conferences, and friendships they’ve developed with the parents of their children’s friends – at their core they know something is missing in their marital relationship, but they’re just too busy to focus on it. Once the kids are grown and their parenting work is completed, the level of parental activity subsides, many couples find those social ties are broken, and wind up with a lot of extra time on their hands.

Time to come to the realization they haven’t truly been happily married for many years.

Challenge #1: The nest may not remain empty

Let’s say your child’s university offers classes in two, 15-week semesters. Since there are 52 weeks in a year, and kids are only in school for 30 of them, your college scholar(s) are going to need a home to return to. Add to the mix that these days kids tend to boomerang back home – even after graduation, and suddenly the decision to keep or sell the house can take on an outsized significance.

But how will you know if keeping or selling the former marital residence is the right way to go? And if you decide to keep it, who will live there?

And how can the two of you afford to make that happen since two homes are more expensive to run than one and the other person also needs a fair amount of money to secure their own place to live?

Challenge #2: With great reward comes great risk

As an empty nester, chances are you’re in your mid-50s and have been married for at least 20 years.

If you worked outside the home throughout the marriage, you’re most likely in your peak earning years as an employee or business owner. And while your earnings are perhaps the highest they’ve ever been, your risk of being replaced by someone younger and cheaper is also at an all-time high! Not to mention, you’re closer to retiring than you were in your 20s, 30s, or 40s…

On the other hand, if you worked inside the home throughout the marriage, it’s most likely too late to catch up to your soon-to-be ex-husband’s or wife’s earnings. And since you’ll be extremely reliant on alimony, you also have a lot at stake if your ex loses their job due to ageism. So you’re both in a precarious position!

But you’re getting a divorce now, and need to make decisions based on your current financial situation. How do you account for the future should something change? And given the duration of your marriage, if alimony is applicable, chances are the duration will be more than a year or two and may even stretch past normal retirement age. How do you handle that?

Challenge #3: You’re wealthy “on paper”

If you’re an empty nester who owns a home and/or has been investing in your 401k for the past 30 years, chances are your financial picture is looking pretty solid. On paper.

Rising stock markets and housing markets have a way of making us feel wealthy. But since a house isn’t liquid until you sell it, and you’re not yet 59 and the all-important “half,” you don’t have assets you can tap into right away. Leaving each of you with a substantial need for cash. But what if you don’t want to sell the house right away in case the kids want to come back home on break or after they graduate? What are you going to do then?

Sure, there may be some form of support paid from one party to the other, but the pool of income will remain the same – even though two households are more expensive to run than one.

What do you both do to make sure you can each live within your means, while not making any financial moves that will result in unintended tax consequences or penalties?

These subjects only scratch the surface. Because there are many other critical issues surrounding a divorce after 20 years of marriage as well as gray divorce. But hopefully, you can see how issues facing older couples in longer-term marriages are a lot more complex than those of younger couples married for a shorter duration.

That’s why we believe the right choice is to work with an expert divorce mediator.

Between paying for your kids’ college education and retirement being closer than you’d like to admit, you want to work together to ensure you each have the resources you need to move on with the next, new chapter, in your soon-to-be separate lives. Does this sound like you?

If so, don’t leave your future in the hands of family law attorneys and waste up to $200,000 and 3 years of your life arguing as enemies, only to be forced to accept an agreement imposed on you by a family law judge and that neither of you finds fair.

Instead, choose to mediate and preserve your time and money while working cooperatively as adults to reach an agreement that’s fair, thorough, and resolves both current and known/potential future issues as circumstances change.