Bird Nesting Custody: How Parents Share the Family Home While Children Stay Put

Between the significant inflation affecting the goods and service they buy, coupled with the rising cost of housing and mortgage interest rates, bird nesting divorce co parenting arrangements – I know quite a mouthful – are more popular than ever with my mediation clients. But bird’s nest custody arrangements are about more than just money.

For many of the divorcing parents I work with, the stability that comes with keeping the kids in the family home is the main driver. Because for some children, the marital residence may be the only home they’ve ever known. And depending on their age, a change in residence may not be ideal, or something they can easily handle.

But while finances and the mental health of your children can play a role in determining if bird nesting will work in your case, there are many other issues that require some thought. In this article we’ll explore the pros, cons, and watchouts you need to be aware of to decide if nesting can work for you, your kids, and your family.

Birdnesting divorce plans can work in the right divorce situation. But in order for them to do so, you and your spouse need to be on the same page about a lot of things. And one of them is how a birdnesting arrangement works. Because there are different options as you’ll soon find out!

What is nesting in divorce?

Nesting in divorce is a type of co-parenting custody arrangement whereby divorced or separated parents keep the marital family home and the children remain there 100% of the time.

Most commonly, the divorcing couple then rents a one-bedroom apartment or other additional space for the two parents to share after they’re divorced and it’s not their parenting time. But it is also possible for parents to own or rent two properties in addition to their family home. Or spend time with family or friends when it’s not their turn to parent.

But nesting in divorce is about more than just parenting responsibilities

Birdnesting plans by themselves are not a substitute for a parenting plan or time sharing arrangement. Even if you and your spouse are rotating in and out of your former marital home, and co parenting in the same house, you still need a parenting plan.

For example, you will still need to determine after you’re divorced which one of you will be in the house on which days, weekends and holidays. I can tell you from experience that just “winging it” doesn’t work as chances are, you’ll fall back into old patterns where whomever was the primary caregiver to the children, once again takes on that role. Which not only can build resentment, but may be one of the reasons you got divorced in the first place!

In addition, you’ll need to make decisions, and come to agreement on important issues such as: how long your nesting plan will last, how do you effectively communicate while living together, who will pay what share of which expenses, and how will child support and alimony work, among many other things.

An experienced divorce mediator can help you and your spouse negotiate and resolve all of these issues and more.

There are a number of potential advantages to birdnesting plans. Let’s break them down into financial, emotional, and tactical.

Financial reasons pros

Potentially lower housing expenses

Maintaining the marital home and simply renting a small apartment may reduce your post-marital living costs. As the cost to establish two separate residences typically represent the single largest expense each of you will incur post-divorce.

Optimizing profit and cash flow

As anyone who has bought a home or rented an apartment knows, housing markets can be irrational. And the timing for buying, selling, or renting a new place, may not be ideal at the time you need it to be. What if you were counting on making a significant profit from the sale of the former marital residence to use as a down payment on a new place but the market is in a tailspin? Or rents are out of control due to an increase in demand? Making such a life-altering decision in the throes of divorce may have unintended financial consequences. And if you’re not thinking clearly can hurt you financially in both the short and the long run.

The housing market may also be down at the time you’re getting a divorce so selling right away may not be in either or your financial best interests.

Improving the ability to refinance

And if one of you wants to keep the home but needs to refinance it into your name only, your lender may require a period after your divorce you’re receiving alimony to count it towards your income requirements.

Emotional reasons pros

Adolescent mental health

As a parent, your concern first and foremost is the well-being of your children which can be a main driver for considering a nesting arrangement. Younger children tend to take moving a bit easier than older children. They see it as, “I get two rooms and get to pick out two sets of sheets and have two sets of toys – one at Mom’s house and one at Dad’s house.”

On the flip side, teenagers may resent the fact that you’re taking attention away from them with your divorce and away from their friends. Keeping them in the marital home and having their friends see both their parents around from time to time may not embarrass them as much after you’re divorced.

More time to let go

The marital residence is more than four walls and roof. It’s a lifetime of memories. And maybe you’re simply not ready to go. Being able to live in the marital home for even a part of the time may also satisfy an emotional need you have as an adult.

Tactical reasons pros

Household chores

When parents divorce, and establish separate homes, naturally 100% of parenting responsibilities fall to the “one parent” who has the children living with them. And for some parents, having to be solely responsible for both the children, and keeping the house is working order, can be too much immediately after divorce. Having someone to share household chores with, can ease the burden the separation process can bring to single parents.

A national emergency

Never did any of us think the world would shut down like it did during the pandemic. And while we all hope to never experience something like that again, it’s a scary world out there. And the possibility of something like that happening again is real. Co parenting in the same home can certainly ease the worry of such a national emergency if you and your ex husband or ex wife are nesting.

Financial reasons cons

Commingled finances

When you sell the marital home and each go your separate ways, it’s a clean break. But when you still co-own and live in the marital home post-divorce, that line is completely blurred. Simple issues like who pays the electric bill can turn into arguments. And if there’s a major issue like you need a new roof or appliance repair, you won’t have joint funds to take from and will each need to fund it on your own.

This may lead to a conversation revolving around “why should I pay a portion of the roof repair if you’re going to buy the house out from me when the nesting arrangement is over?” One party may be making a financial investment in a property they won’t get a benefit from.

Tax consequences

Then there’s the tax consequences. Who gets to deduct the mortgage interest and real estate taxes on their 1040? Assuming you’ll be filing separately and each be paying some portion to keep up the home, how do you divvy up these items? Same goes for child exemptions / deductions.

Child support complications

Then there’s the issue of child support. How is child support calculated if both parents are still technically living together? Who gets it and who pays it? Is it paid at all? The kids are going to still cost you money, but how do each of you share in their ordinary and extraordinary expenses is a main sticking point for couples considering nesting.

Secondary residence expenses

What about that other residence? Who pays for that and how are shared expenses handled? Do you each label your milk and food in the fridge so the other doesn’t eat it? And if you both sign the lease and share in the rent payment but one of you doesn’t pay, will the other parent get stuck paying it so their credit isn’t damaged?

Emotional cons

Ability to communicate effectively

One of the main reasons people get divorced is the ability to communicate effectively. If that was the case for you and your ex, chances are it led to some epic arguments. Consider strongly your living arrangements and ability to peacefully coexist as the emotional toll it might take on you may be too great to do the whole birdnesting divorce thing.

Painful memories

How will you feel when walking around the place knowing that you aren’t sharing the home as husband and wife or co parents? It’s not uncommon once divorced parents split to want to sell the former marital residence, and all the household items in it, to get a clean break. As keeping it, and anything in it, is simply too painful.

Privacy

What happens to the items you left in your shared space while you’re not there? For some divorcing couples, trust is a big issue. And not knowing if you can trust your ex partner in your shared space while you take turns living in the former marital residence can create stress and lead to arguments.

Don’t forget about the young people

Recently I had a mediation client couple who was 100% sure they wanted a birdnesting arrangement. They had the schedule all set, the financial and tactical issues all resolved, and they were ready to go. Feeling strongly it was best for the children’s well being and that of the family. All they had to do was share the plan with their teenagers.

Now, I’m no professional in adolescent psychiatry, but the reaction mom and dad got from the children on their proposed living arrangement was unexpected to say the least. Rather than their youngest son being able to graduate high school, and their daughter graduate college, while both continuing to live in their childhood home, the plan was a non-starter. Turns out the children were not on board with nesting, did not think it was best for their well being (or their family) and instead insisted mom and dad establish their own separate lives as they were tired of the tension and arguments.

So while you might think co parenting your children in a nesting arrangement is ideal, if you’ve got teenagers, you may want to check in with them as well as their answer may surprise you.

Tactical cons

Creating and adhering to ground rules

Given that you’re sharing the marital home and rotating in and out, there’s a lot of places where things can go wrong. From something as simple as which one of the “bird parents” gets to sleep in the primary bedroom, to who does the food shopping, cleaning, and laundry. It’s not uncommon for couple’s to put together a set of ground rules that outlines all of this. But what happens if one of you doesn’t stick to them?

Dealing with new partners

Once you’re divorced, you each may want to (eventually) spend quality time with a new partner. Can you do that in the main residence? On one hand, you don’t want to prevent each other from moving on with you lives, but on the other hand, what will that do to the kids?

Terminating co parenting arrangements

Nesting plans come with their own unique challenges. And those challenges can evolve over time. For example, what happens when one of you finds a new relationship and the new paramour isn’t too crazy about you sharing a space with your ex. You can explain all you want to them about your co parenting responsibilities, but is that really going to make them comfortable starting a new relationship with you. No matter what ground rules you and your now ex have between you?

Be sure to discuss upfront what happens when one of you no longer wants to continue this arrangement and have a regular check in to see how things are going with your children, your co parenting, and the relationship between the two of you.