At what point in your life can you decide that what you have known, what has once given you joy and comfort is looking like it is over? You can’t believe that you have come to a point where you are actually wondering when to consider divorce. The word divorce once was part of another language, now it never leaves your mind. It just sounds so final. No matter how many years you have invested into the marriage, you wonder if it was all for nothing.
Every person I work with faced with the dilemma of when to divorce has their own reasons, their own story. No one situation is the same as another. But the feelings are similar. Emotions like failure, worry, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness all plague the mind and heart. No matter how many people surround you and offer support, you feel totally alone. It is like you’re standing at the base of a gigantic mountain with no visible path of which to follow to reach the top.
Providing support as you make decisions
Making a decision as to what to do next in your marriage is often filled with confusion and torment. What you need is someone to be there with you, to help guide you through the process and discover actually when to divorce. When things in the marriage are rough, it affects every area of your life. You are exhausted and desperately searching for answers. We can be your console and cheer you on as you continue to make difficult but necessary changes.
Whether you decide that the marriage has hope and it is just going to require a lot of work or it is time to look at divorce, you need encouragement to move forward. You’re at a point where you just can’t stay where you are. You feel like your trapped in quicksand and the more you struggle, the deeper you go.
Replacing despair with hope
There are a variety of ways to address what you are going through. We will assist you in finding which is the best alternative for you and your family. The entire situation can seem overwhelming and you may feel right now that there is no hope. There are solutions, there is a way to turn your life around and reclaim control over it. The steps are not easy but together we can meet each challenge with strength and determination.
You want to make sure that you have all the necessary information before making any permanent decisions as to how to know when to get a divorce. How will your family be affected in the short term and in the future? If you have children, you have to take into consideration how they may react. Depending on their age, they may already be aware that there are problems. Circumstances are probably such that they are feeling the effects of the existing trouble.
A chance to move forward
You are not alone. Believe it or not, the survival rate is high. Whichever path you choose to follow, there is always an opportunity for growth. Let us help you take charge of your current situation and discover that there is always hope. Progress is possible as long as you take it one small step at a time. You can overcome and you can find the joy in your life that you thought was lost forever.
I’m here when you need me and having gone through my own divorce, I know exactly what you’re going through. So when you’re ready to take the next step on your journey, please give me a call at (908) 864-2177 and let’s talk about you and your future and help you make the decision that’s best for you and your family.
While every situation is unique, the fact remains that there is a right way and a wrong way to go about a separation and divorce. There are a number of things that each party can and should do to make the process go as smoothly as possible. Unfortunately, during my many years as a divorce mediator, I have encountered many couples that were, whether intentionally or unintentionally, committing common mistakes that actually hindered the separation and divorce process. If you are contemplating divorce, here are 8 common mistakes to avoid.
Not Producing Accurate Financial Information – Like it or not, finances play a big role in separation and divorce. In order for everything to go as smoothly (and as quickly) as possible, it’s critical that both parties are honest and produce accurate information, such as the amount of marital debt and assets as well as realistic budgets.
Letting Emotions Take Over – Let’s face it – separation and divorce can be an emotional roller-coaster. You may experience feelings that run the gambit, from sadness to anger to hurt to relief. In order to come together and reach an amicable agreement, however, it’s critical that these emotions be dealt with and reigned in. That is the only way to achieve open, honest communication and move forward.
Not Considering the Kids – Separation and divorce can be complicated, but add children into the mix and you’ve got a whole new set of circumstances to consider. Many divorcing couples lose sight of the big picture and become so focused on one another that their children suffer as a result. When the children’s needs and best interests are put first, everyone is better off in the long run.
Focusing on the Past – Simply put, you cannot move forward until you effectively let go of the past. In many cases, this is easier said than done. When one or both spouses are focused on things that have already taken place, it’s difficult to shift that focus to what the future holds. Divorce coaching can help both parties create a vision for the future and develop a plan to achieve it.
Forgetting about Taxes – Chances are whatever decisions you make during your separation and divorce, there will be tax implications. Some couples forget the impact the IRS may have on things like the transfer of money, investments and property. That’s why it’s so important to have an experienced professional in your corner.
Refusing to Communicate – As I’ve mentioned before, everyone deals with difficult situations in a different way. Some lash out, while others may simply shut down and refuse to cooperate. This is why mediation can play such a pivotal role in separation and divorce – because it encourages open, honest communication and establishing a foundation of mutual trust and respect.
Refusing to Compromise – Some couples going through separation and divorce become locked in a “my way or the highway” mentality, which only results in further conflict and added frustration. In order to reach an agreement that you can both be comfortable with, each party must be willing to give in and compromise on some things. This is the only way to reach a solid, productive middle ground and it’s especially important when children are involved.
Not Considering Mediation – Many people are unaware that they can work together to reach a separation and divorce agreement without having to go through a long, drawn out court case. Mediation provides a cost effective, time saving and positive alternative that helps both parties to move forward and focus on a new beginning, rather than on the past.
Navigating through the separation and divorce process can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to be difficult. By acknowledging and avoiding these common mistakes, and seeking the guidance of a qualified professional, you and your spouse can be well on your way to reaching a settlement that everyone can be happy with. Need help with your separation and divorce? Please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 and we’d be happy to speak to you about how working with a mediator and coach can benefit you.
How we handle things during and after our divorce will vary greatly on how we view ourselves. You have to realize that just because you have a marriage that did not work out does not mean that you are a failure as a woman or as a person. Things will happen in your lives that don’t exactly go the way you had hoped, but you are still a valuable person. You have to continue to believe in yourself and know that you are going to make it through this.
When you have children, you are faced with not only your own grief but you have to be even stronger for them. Understand that you don’t have to be super woman. Children are going to know that this will be a struggle for you and it is ok that you are hurting. They just need the reassurance that they are still loved and that although your role as a wife has come to an end, you are still a parent and nothing will change that.
Children just need to maintain a lifestyle that continues to provide them with security. They will have to adjust to the same living and family structure changes as you. There is extra pressure because you have to be strong for them but you don’t have to be perfect. Try your best to remain as positive as possible while they are in your presence. Let them know that together you will be able to overcome any challenges that you are going to face.
Although some women feel like they should be able to do everything on their own, this is a time for you to reach out. The better the support system you have, the easier things will be on you. Don’t be afraid to express your emotions, you have to let yourself go through the process. You will experience the same grief over a loss that people feel when they lose a loved one to death. You went from having a partner with you to share your life to being all alone, that is a loss.
The choice may even have been your to leave, but don’t expect that going through a divorce will not carry with it emotional turmoil. There may be a sense of relief because you were living under a very stressful situation but there is still the sadness that the perfect life you had planned for yourself has crumbled. There will still be a period of adjustment where you will be learning to do everything on your own.
Just like with any change that occurs on our lives, divorce can be a chance for personal growth. Every obstacle you overcome is a chance to enrich yourself and to experience self discovery. Many women do not give themselves credit for what they have the ability to accomplish. You may have a sense that you will be faced with living the rest of your life alone, but that is not true. Once you have found healing and are ready, you will be able to explore the chance for another relationship. You are not used goods or tainted material. You are an incredible woman who has a great deal to offer.
Don’t push yourself, go at a pace that you are comfortable with. Don’t jump into the dating field if you are still filled with anger and hurt. Allow yourself the time for your heart and mind to recover. It may not seem like it but the pain will not last forever. You will be able to live a fulfilling life and you will have the opportunity to know love and to be all that you can be as a complete woman. Have faith in yourself. Know that this is just the end of a season in your life but there are still many exciting things to come and you will once again know a life filled with joy.
When you’re ready to talk, give me a call at (877) 732-6682 and we’ll put a plan together for your future to move you forward at whatever pace you’re most comfortable.
Ah April 15th. Tax Day here in the United States. This year we actually get a break as the 15th turns out to be a Sunday but alas, the tax man cometh and there’s not much we can do. But what about taxes and divorce? Do you really know what the tax implications of your settlement will be today? Tomorrow? 10 years from now? All excellent questions to ask your mediator.
As a divorce mediator with an MBA in Finance, I am acutely aware of what taxes can do to a settlement. There are the obvious kind like when you go to sell your house will there be a capital gain on it and then there are the hidden ones like what was the cost basis of an investment you just got handed in your property settlement agreement? Sure it looked great on paper but are you going to get whacked once you go to sell it while in the meantime you ex took all the tax losses and laughed all the way to their accountant?
When it comes to taxes and divorce, there are a few simple rules you need to keep in mind:
- Taxes come in all shapes and sizes – it’s not always obvious when you’re going to get hit with a tax. Take for example a tax on an asset you sell. If it’s a stock and you make money, you’ll have a capital gain and get taxed. But what about if you sell your home for more than you paid for it? Will there be tax on that? In that case, it’s not so clear.
- Tax losses are just as valuable as taxable gains in some cases I’ve seen one spouse appears to be a hero and says to the other “don’t worry – I’ll take all the loser investments and you can have all the winners.” Nice try. On paper perhaps they look identical but one of you will have a nasty surprise when they file next year while the other will have gotten an unexpected windfall. Each of you winds up with the same gross amount of cash in your hand but after taxes, it’s a whole new ballgame.
- Watch out for alimony – the default position for alimony is that it is taxable and so some individuals receiving spousal support want to have more of their support placed in child support (which is a non taxable event). The trouble is child support ends when the children are emancipated (age 18+) so what happens if you’re the mother of two teenagers and go this route? Nasty surprise – your alimony just went out the window when the children got their cap and gown. Using alimony and child support interchangeably to avoid taxes is a tricky proposition and something best discussed with a mediator like myself.
At the end of the day you need to realize that taxes and divorce go hand in hand and so it’s critical that you have a mediator that understands the impact taxes can have on your final settlement and when in doubt I say get the advice of an accountant or CPA. Sure we may discuss the tax issues in session of your settlement, but these folks eat, sleep and breathe taxes (literally at this time of year) and have a grasp of the subject that we mere mortals simply do not.
If you have any questions about divorce and taxes, please fee free to give our offices a call at (908) 864-2177 and we’d be happy to set up a time to meet with you to discuss your unique case.
In a perfect world, all divorces would be amicable and both parties would agree on everything the first time. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world and divorce is oftentimes fraught with tension and conflict. Mediation can be used as a tool to resolve this conflict in a timely manner so that both parties involved will be able to reach an agreement and move forward with their lives. Conflict resolution and mediation go hand in hand. After all, the purpose of choosing a mediator to help with a divorce is to avoid going through a long, drawn out, messy process. Mediation allows for the mature, calm discussion of the issues at hand, and helps both parties to work together to reach a solution that works for everyone involved. Conflict resolution is an integral part of this process – not only as a means to resolve problems, but as a foundation for how to handle future disputes in a positive, productive way.
Conflict Resolution and Personality
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years as a divorce mediator, it’s that people deal with conflict differently. Some get angry and lash out, others get emotional, and still others shut down altogether. Each of these reactions forms a communication barrier and can cause further damage to an already fragile situation. The goal of conflict resolution is to help divorcing spouses open the doors to effective communication so that they can resolve the issues at hand and continue to move forward. Without conflict resolution, the situation can become stagnant and more volatile, which isn’t good for anyone involved. That’s why we take a team approach and engage both an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator and a Certified Professional Coach to aid in the divorce mediation process. By having two professionals actively involved in your divorce, the legal, financial and emotional aspects are managed in a peaceful and cost-effective way, saving you time, money and heartache in the process.
When it comes to conflict resolution and mediation, there are several things to keep in mind:
- Never involve others in your dispute. This is especially important when there are children involved. Divorce is already an emotional and difficult life change for children. They should never be forced to take sides or participate in any type of dispute between their divorcing parents. All issues should be handled exclusively between the divorcing spouses, with the mediator there to assist and guide toward a resolution.
- Avoid passive-aggressive behaviors and actions. Sometimes in an effort to avoid being hurt further, one spouse may exhibit behavior that indirectly harms the other. For instance, resisting requests that were previously agreed upon, procrastinating, or just being generally stubborn are all passive-aggressive behaviors and only serve to further frustrate the other spouse and stagnate the entire process. Conflict resolution and mediation counteract this by encouraging open, honest communication by both parties.
- Conflict resolution is not about changing the other person. Some people come into my office with the mistaken idea that I will be able to help them change their soon-to-be ex-spouse. This is simply not true. The purpose of conflict resolution is not to create autonomy between both parties, but rather to reach a middle ground that everyone can feel comfortable with
- Many third parties are not “impartial”. While other people with whom you both have relationships, such as friends or family members, may want to help with good intentions, chances are they are not completely impartial in their feelings. For conflict resolution to be most effective, it must be managed by a completely unbiased party, which is where mediation comes into play. It’s best to leave other personally interested parties out of the process.
Conflict-ridden relationships are never pleasant, and they can be particularly detrimental when there are children involved. These types of interactions bring out negative behaviors and are unproductive and unhealthy. By working with both a Certified Professional Coach and Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator, effective conflict resolution can help divorcing spouses to define a new relationship with one another – one that is based on mutual respect, mature communication and positive interactions that focus on the future, rather than the painful past. Through effective conflict resolution and mediation, you and your spouse can be on the road to peace and civility in no time.
To learn more about how our unique approach to divorce can help you move from your painful past to a brighter future, please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 today.
In my many years as a professional mediator, I have never worked with a couple who knew in advance that on a certain day and month, five, ten, fifteen or even twenty years down the road, they would be at the crossroads of divorce. Couples don’t marry with the intent to divorce and when the unplanned does happen, divorce is an emotional end to a marriage many had hoped would last forever. So how do you plan for the unplanned? How do you navigate through uncharted territory? Arm yourself with the tool of knowledge.
Accurate information is one of the most powerful tools you can have if you’re a couple on the brink of divorce. Your wealth of knowledge starts here by first knowing the two types of divorce available to New Jersey couples: no-fault and fault-based divorce. So before we get started in Part two of our three part series entitled “Divorce in New Jersey” let’s take a quick refresher course on the jurisdictional requirements mentioned last week with a case scenario.
Where Do I File for Divorce in New Jersey?
Sally and Bob were marred in 2006 and have lived in Princeton, New Jersey ever since. Despite their many attempts to reconcile their irreconcilable differences, Sally and Bob decide to divorce. Can Sally and Bob file for divorce in Mercer County, New Jersey? Absolutely! In order to file for divorce in New Jersey, Sally and/or Bob must have lived in the state of New Jersey for twelve consecutive months prior to the date of filing their complaint for divorce. So because Sally and Bob have lived in Mercer County, New Jersey since 2006, then the proper jurisdiction is Mercer County, New Jersey
No-Fault Divorce: What is it?
While widely recognized in all fifty states, no-fault divorce is relatively new, being a mere forty-two years young this year and available in New Jersey only since 2007. So what is no-fault divorce exactly? Legalese aside, no-fault divorce means exactly how it sounds. It is a divorce granted without either party having to prove any wrong-doing in the marriage. And even though one or both of you may be feeling angry, hurt or confused and want to blame the other party for the failure of the marriage, in reality, doing so won’t really change the outcome of your final settlement.
Grounds for No-Fault Divorce in New Jersey
In New Jersey, you can file for a no fault divorce based on the following two reasons:
Separation for a period of eighteen months or more
If this is the underlying factor in your divorce, you and your spouse must have lived apart in separate homes for a period of eighteen months or longer. It’s not enough to have lived or be living in separate bedrooms within the same home. You must live physically apart in two separate and distinct homes. If you are the Plaintiff, you must also show that all attempts at reconciliation have proved futile.
Irreconcilable differences
Irreconcilable difference is probably the most popular grounds for divorce. Some of the chief causes for irreconcilable differences are communication issues between husband and wife, disagreements in how to raise children, strife over in-laws, friends and co-workers, sexual discontentment and yes even an unwillingness to share in the upkeep of the marital home just to name a few. In this case, there is no need to be living apart for 18 months.
The grounds for no fault divorce are pretty straight forward; separation for a period of eighteen months or more and the most popular, irreconcilable differences. Next week, we will discuss the eight situations that are the basis for individuals seeking a fault-based divorce.
If your marriage is on the brink of divorce, it’s important to take all the time necessary to learn as much about the divorce process as you can. Family, friends, co-workers and the even the internet are all great places to start the learning process; however, proceed with caution because these sources are often uncensored, full of bias, emotionally charged and worse, they contain tainted information.
If you are a resident of New Jersey and are facing divorce you are not alone. A skilled and experienced Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator along with a caring and Certified Professional Coach will help you and your spouse handle the legal, financial and emotional aspects of your divorce and answer any questions either of you might have. To get the started, please call the offices of Equitable Mediation Services at 908-864-2177 today as we’re always happy to take the time to meet with both of you to get to know the particulars of your unique situation and provide you with the information and guidance that is relevant in your particular situation.
Your heart has finally begun to heal. No matter what the circumstances, going through a divorce is a traumatic experience. The main point that you have to keep in mind is that you must allow yourself that time to mend your heart and soul. It will not happen overnight, it is going to take time. You may be at a point right now where you feel you’ll never reach that, but you will, it will get easier and you will be able to recover. No matter what stage you are at right now, there is hope! When you feel you are ready, there will probably come a time where you will be interested in dating again. This will be a whole new experience for you and will take some adapting on your part, especially if you are dating after a divorce with children. When you really look at it, you may find that you feel like all of you are in the dating process because your kids will play a large role.
What Steps Do I Take When Dating After Divorce with Children?
The first thing you need to consider is the question of “how will this affect my children?” as that is one of the first crossroads that you will face. When you begin dating after divorce with kids it is often the wisest choice to keep your children separate. Chances are you’re not ready for a completely committed relationship and the children don’t need the confusion. This of course will all depend on the ages of your children. If they are older, then they are probably going to suspect when you begin dating after divorce with children. The error that many parents make is trying to lie to the kids. There is a difference between avoiding telling them something and telling them something that is completely false so above all, be honest. It is important if they are old enough to understand that they know that you are a person as well as a parent and although you are never going to try to replace your ex-spouse as a parent, you would like to have some adult companionship.
As like you, the children have just experienced a traumatic event in their lives, the second thing to do when dating after divorce with kids, you have to make sure that the children understand that you are not out to find another parent for them. That will usually be their initial fear. Explain that just because you go out with someone of the opposite sex, it does not mean you are ready to get married again. The kids need to know that they are not about to lose anything else. The answer to how they will cope with you dating after divorce with children is as diverse as each child is independently. Each of them will react to this change in their own way. As different as they may be, there are certain feelings and needs that most children do share. In order to make things less stressful on yourself, it is best to keep this in mind. Divorce is tough on children, both during the process and afterwards.
How Do I Get the Children to Accept my Dating After Divorce?
Some factors that you may want to keep in mind in order to better assist your child in the preparation of you dating after divorce with children are that it is always better to attempt to anticipate as well as understand your children’s feelings and that you do your best to help them to feel secure, loved and safe. Also help your children to express their feelings, no matter what the age children will cope better if they know someone is listening. Make sure to help your children to keep a close relationship with both parents. Attempt to keep your role as parent separate from that of ex-spouse and boyfriend or girlfriend. Try as much as possible to keep the children apart from any conflict.
Dating after divorce with children will be a time of adjustment for all of you but, the safety and love that you continue to provide for your children during these times will serve them for the rest of their lives. As a Certified Professional Coach, I work with clients just like you to help begin the process of dating after divorce and understand that you are a person as well as a parent. The bottom line is you deserve to live a fulfilled and enriched life and by doing so, that happiness will shine through and radiate on all of those who surround you, especially your children.
Have questions about what you’ve read or how I can help? Please give me a call at (877) 732-6682
The honeymoon is over. You and your spouse have decided to call it quits. Your vow to stay married ‘for better or for worse’ seems impossible now. As such, you and your partner have decided to divorce. Understandably you have far more questions than answers and that’s perfectly okay. After all, the decision to divorce is an important one and you would be smart to do a little homework on your own before you venture into unknown territory. Divorce law can be especially challenging to understand. For a lay person it can be downright intimidating. The mind-numbing legalese has sent its fair share of curious individuals scurrying to legal professionals for advice. So how does the average layperson grasp the complexities of divorce law? Believe it or not, it’s not that hard. The ins and outs of New Jersey divorce law is best understood by taking baby steps. This is the first part of a three part series called ‘Divorce in New Jersey.’ In this post, we will briefly introduce you to the two types of divorce in New Jersey: no-fault divorce and fault-based divorce. In the second part, we will discuss in detail no-fault divorce and provide a case scenario and in our third part we will focus our attention at length on fault-based divorce.
Jurisdiction for Divorce in New Jersey
Before you can file for divorce in the Garden State, you or your spouse must have lived in New Jersey for twelve consecutive months preceding the filing of your divorce complaint. This residency requirement ensures that New Jersey is the proper state venue for your divorce. Jurisdiction is broken down further by county. For example, if you live in Middlesex County, New Jersey your divorce would be filed in Middlesex County. However, if you and your spouse live in different counties, your divorce can also be filed in the county that your spouse lives in.
What are the Two Types of Divorce in New Jersey?
Contrary to what the caption on the mug in the picture above states, divorces filed in New Jersey fall under one of two types: no-fault divorce or fault-based divorce. Under these two types of divorce, there are multiple kinds of divorce. In the legal realm, we refer to these as grounds for divorce. It’s important to note that although the words ‘type’ and ‘kind’ are synonymous they are different in this context. The kinds of divorce in New Jersey are listed under their respective type below:
Grounds for No-Fault Divorce in New Jersey
Irreconcilable differences
Living separate and apart for 18 months and no reasonable prospect of reconciliation
Causes for Fault-Based Divorce in New Jersey
Desertion
Extreme cruelty
Adultery
Deviant sexual conduct
Habitual drunkenness
Voluntary addition to narcotic drugs
Institutionalization for mental illness
Incarceration
So there you have it. The two types of divorce in New Jersey are no-fault and fault-based divorce. We told you it would be simple! Next week, we will discuss no-fault divorce in detail. If this is of particular interest to you, you’ll want to be sure to read part two of a three part series called ‘Divorce in New Jersey.’ In the meantime, if you have any questions, we invite you to call us at Equitable Mediation and Coaching at 908-864-2177.
You’ve come to a decision. Settling is just not enough. Not for you, for your spouse or your children. As difficult as it has been for you to come to this decision, it will be even more difficult to tell your spouse, “I want a divorce.” Nothing in a post will make the conversation you are about to have with your spouse 100 percent easier, but hopefully, you’ll be prepared for the emotions as well as the unexpected when that conversation that begins with “I want a divorce” occurs. It’s important to remember that how you communicate “I want a divorce” can set the standard for further communications during the separation and divorce process; especially, if you believe your spouse will be taken by complete surprise with your decision. As upsetting as this conversation will be, there are ways to actually to make it less painful for the both of you.
Timing is Everything
One of the more important ways you can prepare for the unexpected when telling your spouse “I want a divorce” is picking the appropriate moment. Really think about where and when this should be, and make arrangements for your children to spend time with a relative or friend, so that the conversation can occur without interruptions. This conversation should never coincide with another major event in your lives if at all possible, for instance, if you’re spouse is sick or has recently been fired or laid off. When making this announcement, timing really is everything. You want to find the right time without adding more stress to an already stressful and burdened life.
A Divorce Coach Can Help
One thing that’s helpful to remember is that while you may have a plan for how the divorce may proceed, you can never fully prepare for your spouse’s reaction to your announcement. Predicting the reactions and the emotions of anyone, even someone with whom you’ve been married to for a long time, can be quite a challenge so the best you can hope for is to prepare for it. One such way is to acknowledge your role in the failed marriage, to avoid placing all the blame on your spouse. Avoid pinpointing exact times, discussions, arguments where everything just went plain wrong.
Whatever emotions your spouse may express, you must listen to them. Avoid putting them on the defensive. This is the most difficult action to avoid, because it’s tough to feel empathy when you can’t stand one another. It’s OK to acknowledge their feelings whether its shame, shock, sadness or denial. But regardless of your spouse’s reaction, you must remain strong in your efforts to move forward. This what we in coaching call acknowledgement and validation.
Remaining strong also means remaining calm and steady. It may also mean repeating your decision again and again, but in a thoughtful and non-accusatory way. Be prepared for a lengthy discussion. Your spouse may try to talk you out of it, even tell you that you are wrong and that you’re making a big mistake. They may resort to criticizing you and you may feel tempted to strike back. In spite of your impulses to defend yourself against any accusations, it’s important to tap into “active listening.” Instead of getting wound up in their allegations and hurtful retaliation, remind them that the marriage hasn’t worked for a long time. What they’re most likely reacting to is the transition that will most certainly come with divorce. Typically most couples know when they’re unhappy and so the statement “I want a divorce” while may come as a shock, shouldn’t be a surprise.
Dealing with the Aftermath
One thing is for certain, once you take that step it is irretrievable, so it’s very important to be sure and very clear about your decision before your bring it up to your spouse. If you’re not sure, don’t say that you want a divorce; sometimes a conversation about how you’ve been feeling is enough to open a discussion, and perhaps prevent a divorce from occurring in the first place.
If I can be of any help to you while you work through the complex emotions surrounding divorce, please call me at (877) 732-6682
It’s spring and with it comes two holidays of the season which as coincidence would have it, fall during the same time period this year: Passover and Easter. So what do you if you’re an interfaith couple have children and divorce? The answer depends on how you as parents have decided to raise your children and with such an abstract concept as religions, it can be difficult to explain, especially to young children, why one parent celebrates one holiday while the other celebrates a different holiday.
What are the Options for Children and Divorce of Interfaith Couples?
- The parties celebrate both Easter and Passover - In this case, we would use the parenting plan to outline an arrangement in which each parent would have the opportunity to celebrate their respective holiday with the children and their family. As Passover is a multi-day holiday and a Seder is held on at least two evenings during the holiday, the opportunity for conflict is minimized with Easter which is celebrated on Sunday. In this case the parties would work together to make sure the children had time with each parent and observed in the way they were accustomed to.
- The parties have raised the children in one faith and only celebrate Passover or Easter - In this case the holiday would usurp the regular parenting plan and the children would spend the holiday with whomever they were celebrating. But what about the iconography that is associated with each holiday? Is it acceptable, for example, if mom were to celebrate Easter and dad Passover that the children get an Easter basket or can participate in finding the Afikomen? As this is an individual choice we work to draft language in your parenting plan outlining what the boundaries are on celebration. Are the children active participants or are they guests and not expected to observe any particular religious ritual that would go against the teaches or beliefs of their faith?
- The parties are non-observant – While not meant as a blanket statement, when it comes to children and divorce, some interfaith couples choose not to designate a religion for the children and state they will allow them to make up their minds when they are older. In these cases, the holidays are usually treated as a regular day and the normal parenting plan would apply.
What if I Converted and Now I Want to go Back?
For the cases I’ve seen, when one party converts, the children know no other religion as the family all practiced in one faith. Therefore the decision of which faith to raise the children in really becomes a moot point. If one party wishes to return to their original faith it is their prerogative but as far as the children go, the decision for them to convert is usually reserved for when they are no longer minors. The important thing to remember, much like everything else when it comes to children and divorce, is that your kids know a lot more than you think. They catch on quickly, make keen observations and will probably pepper you with questions you may not be fully prepared for. In cases such as these, I find it best to talk to your children and be honest at a level that is appropriate for their age. If you need help in doing so, you may wish to speak with a child psychologist or a priest or rabbi who may able to explain to you how to approach such a subject as religion with your children.
It’s All In How You Handle the Children and Divorce
Faith is a matter of a number of abstract concepts that I am not qualified to explain and I’m not sure many of us are so when it comes to religion and being an interfaith couple who divorces, this provides a great opportunity to show your children that even though you are no longer going to be husband and wife, that you still care for each other and respect the choices, in this case religious, the other has made. So when it comes to children and divorce, do your best, treat your ex-spouse with respect and your children will see that and emulate that behavior.
« Previous Page — Next Page »
