This is the last in our three part series on spousal support and alimony in which we cover more reasons alimony may end, reimbursement spousal support and how the marital lifestyle factors into alimony. And while we’re done our best to answer all the typical questions that come our way, remember laws vary from state to state so it’s important you work with someone who can assist you in your particular situation.

How does death impact the payment or receipt of spousal support?
As alimony is a contractual obligation so in order to ensure the payments are still made to the receiving spouse should the paying spouse die before their obligation is satisfied, a life insurance policy is taken by the paying spouse with a death benefit equal to or greater than the total amount of outstanding spousal support payments. For example if the alimony award was $250 a month for 10 years, the paying party would need to have a life insurance policy on themselves with the recipient as the beneficiary in the amount of $30,000. As their alimony obligation was satisfied, they would reserve the right to reduce the face value of that policy to align with their then current outstanding obligation.

Should the recipient spouse die during the time-frame in which the payments are made, they can elect to have the payments paid back to the paying spouses estate. This may be done in cases where the parties have children together and the now deceased receiving spouse may wish for the payments to continue for the children’s benefit and be placed in trust for them. In this case it is best you speak with a financial planner or CPA who assist with these complex financial matters.

What is reimbursement alimony?
Reimbursement spousal support is paid to recognize financial contributions made by one party during the marriage to the other. It is common to see reimbursement alimony in cases where one spouse worked and put the other through school and then upon graduation from school, the parties got divorced. This reimbursement spousal support acknowledges the financial contributions made by the supporting spouse and may even recognize the loss of future earnings that the attainment of the degree would have brought the parties were they to remain married.

Do I have to pay spousal support in monthly payment or can I just give my ex a lump sum?
While not common, lump sum payouts are possible in cases of spousal support. it can be especially difficult for one party to come up with the necessary funds to cover their outstanding alimony obligation and so traditionally the parties elect to pay it out over time. Other reasons for paying over time may be that the receiving party is uncomfortable managing money and so would prefer the perceived security of receiving a monthly check. It is important to note that were the paying party to lose their job or the receiving party got remarried, payments would be modified or possibly terminated and so a lump sum may make sense.

How does our standard of living factor in when talking about alimony?
As very few states have a clear cut formula for determining spousal support, the marital standard of living is one of the factors used when determining alimony. The parties will prepare a budget showing what their lives looked like during the marriage and that will factor in to the discussion. If you were living beyond your means and using debt and credit cards to fund an unrealistic marital life style, typically the courts will not expect you to maintain spousal support at such levels that continue that artificially high lifestyle post-divorce. Similarly, in cases where the parties do have the financial means, alimony awards will reflect a certain standard of living even though it may be perceived as above and beyond the norm by some.

If you have any questions about alimony of spousal support in your particular situation, please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 as we’re always happy to schedule some time to meet with you and your spouse to discuss your unique situation.

In divorce coaching we create a safe place for you to explore issues such as Parental Alienation and recognize that speaking about them may be extremely painful but it is through that honest and open exploration that solutions arise. For some, they feel Parental Alienation has everything to do with what one parent is doing to alienate the child from the other parent but in divorce coaching we certainly explore that question but in keeping a balanced perspective and not taking sides (much like a mediator) we also explore what role you our client may have in contributing the Parental Alienation they may be experiencing or perceiving.

In divorce coaching we say that “someone needs to be ready to be coached and you can’t coach someone who isn’t ready.” I think this is true of any type of coaching. Imagine if you were trying to coach someone to sing and you started singing and they just stood there silent. It really wouldn’t work well, now would it? The same thing holds true for divorce coaching. As painful as it might be, we need to take a look at what role we play in contributing to our current situation and open ourselves up to other solutions and possibilities we may not have considered before. So when it comes to the issue of Parental Alienation, it’s easy to point the finger at our ex-spouse and wonder what they’re doing when we’re not there possibly poisoning the minds of our kids against us. But unless you have a video camera in you ex-spouses home (and that’s an entirely different issue we’d need to discuss – most likely with the police!) we can’t really quite be sure. The only thing we can control is our own behavior and so by empowering you to act and live the life you want to lead (which I assume includes wanting quality time with your children) divorce coaching can help you address the issues of Parental Alienation or any other issue that may arise and have you working through them and resolving them in no time.

If you have questions about how working with a divorce coach can help you work through the issue of Parental Alienation, please give me a call at (877) 732-6682 and I’d be happy to speak with you.

In part 2 of our 3 part series, we take a closer look at some different types of alimony such as permanent and rehabilitative and gently remind readers that it’s always best to consult with someone who can help you determine what kind of spousal support is appropriate in your particular case.

What is rehabilitative spousal support?
Rehabilitative alimony is a specific type of spousal support that is intended to aid the receiving spouse with gaining skills or furthering their education in order to increase their post divorce earning potential. I view rehabilitative spousal support as a real win-win as it allows one party to become more self-sufficient and increase their earnings and the other party to quite possibly pay less alimony in the future as the hope is once the receiving spouse furthers their education and broadens their skill set, they will have more opportunities for employment and thus higher earnings.

How long is rehabilitative alimony paid?
Typically there is a specific defining event that rehabilitative spousal support is paid for. The attainment of a four-year degree, the completion of a trade school program or a set number of semesters at a local college. Once the funds are depleted it is the hope that the receiving party achieved the goals that were intended to be accomplished by the rehabilitative alimony. In some cases there may be a hearing to determine if the payment should be suspended but in most of the cases I’ve seen, the amount and duration is spelled out quite clearly in the divorce decree and so it is clear to both parties for how long rehabilitative spousal support will be paid and when it will stop.

What about permanent alimony. Does that still exist?
At this time yes, permanent spousal support can be awarded but it is becoming less common. There may be situations such as a marriage of 40 years in duration where both parties are in their 60′s in which one spouse has no chance of realistically being able to support themselves having stayed home for the length of the marriage. Typically the agreements being drafted today set forth no specific duration for long term marriages and instead allow the paying party to appeal to the receiving party for a modification in the payment of alimony at some future point in time. As alimony is based on need, it is difficult to determine what a party’s need may be 20 years from now. Many divorce decrees contain an automatic mediation clause in which the parties may either work it out on their own when the time comes or go to mediation to discuss the reduction or elimination of spousal support.

Does the amount of permanent spousal support I pay stay the same for the entire time or can it change?
Not necessarily. There are a number of factors that can play in here. A change in earnings by each party and retirement are two common reasons for modification to the amount being paid although the complexities around this question are staggering and so in this case I would suggest you give us a call at (908) 864-2177 to discuss your situation further.

What are some of the reasons alimony may end?
Remarriage of the receiving party is the most common event that would cause the end of spousal support payments and it usually drafted into the divorce decree. Cohabitation may be another reason although proving it can sometimes be difficult.

In our third and final installment, we’ll discuss more reasons alimony may end, reimbursement spousal support and how death can affect your arrangement. As always, if you have any questions about alimony or spousal support in your particular case, please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 as we’d happy to discuss them with you.

The good news is that by the very fact that you’re sitting there right now reading this article means you have found someone who can help with divorce. Your divorce. My job as a divorce coach is to work with clients who are either contemplating divorce, in the midst of a divorce or have already survived a divorce and are looking to reinvent their lives after the dust has settled. For those seeking help with divorce, they typically come to me either contemplating divorce or in the middle of it all and need some help either deciding if they should go ahead and pursue a divorce or need some help gaining clarity and understanding more fully the issues before them when in the middle of a divorce. This is especially true in an attorney-driven, knock-down, drag-out “War of the Roses” brawl of a divorce which I don’t have to tell you are the worst kind. (Seriously use a mediator for your divorce – that’s what I did).

From helping you with strategies to keep your cool when things get heated to working with you to figure out what you really want and how to ask for it, my job is to provide you help with divorce in whatever capacity you need me. (Well, I’m not a lawyer so I can’t represent you in court or your negotiations but you get the point!) When we find ourselves in such an overwhelming situation as divorce and our emotions creep in and begin to get the best of us, our judgement can get clouded and we can continue to pursue the fight for the sake of the fight itself instead of focusing on the endgame and what it is we really want. So that’s what a divorce coach does: help with divorce.

I’ll speak with you on a weekly basis to help clarify the issues before you, provide you tons of information that can help with divorce and allow you to make informed decisions and provide the objective emotional support you’ll need in such a time of intense crisis. And if you need me between our sessions, I am available to you at any time for a little extra support. Let’ face it – your friends are great support but are they really objective? Are you really going to take the suggestion to hire a hit man seriously or burn the house down to get back at your ex? Um… no you’re not. By working with me, I can provide you with the help with divorce you really need which is going to help you manage your emotions in a constructive and positive way, get your priorities in order and help you move forward with your life.

Like a wise man once said “if you’re not moving forward, you’re standing still” and who wants to stand still when there’s so much out there to learn, explore and do? My name is Cheryl Dillon and I am a divorce coach that wants to help you. Please give me a call at (877) 732-6682 and learn how working with me can help with divorce.

In part 1 of our 3 part series, below you will find some answers to frequently asked questions to help you understand more about alimony including reasons for paying and a brief discussion on temporary spousal support. Remember: laws vary from state to state and in most cases, they are very vague so it’s important you work with someone who can assist you in your particular situation as there is no “one size fits all” answer for spousal support!

Spousal Support Defined
Spousal support (also known as alimony or maintenance) is a transfer of money (or sometimes assets) from one ex-spouse to the other as the result of a divorce.

If they’re my “ex”, why do I have to pay alimony at all?
While not paid in all cases, spousal support is intended to ensure that each party has enough cash to meet their monthly expense post-divorce. One party may have given up career opportunities, stayed home with children or performed other non-monetary actions which caused them to fall behind in their earning capacity. Alimony attempts to offset these imbalances.

Is it always the husband that pays spousal support?
While in approximately 95% of the cases we see at Equitable Mediation involve the husband paying the wife alimony, it is not mandated by law that only the husband pays. Spousal support is based on need (not desire) and in most of the cases we work with it is the wife that has stayed home with the children forgoing her own earning potential which creates the need for alimony post-divorce.

What are the requirements for receiving alimony?
Spousal support can only be paid as a result of a divorce or separation and the requirements vary from state to state. The major requirement for alimony is that of need. In some cases, parties feel they “deserve” spousal support or are “entitled” to spousal support but the reality is alimony is based on need and not on perceived/real injustices suffered by one party in a divorce.

What about the issue of fault and spousal support?
Here in the United States, the issue of fault and divorce has been all but eliminated with the rise of the uncontested or “no-fault” divorce. As most couples opt for this route when pursuing divorce in order to avoid a contentious and lengthy legal battle, alimony may be awarded even if there is no specific fault called out in the divorce.

Will I pay alimony until I die?
The question of how long one will pay spousal support is a topic of hot debate these days. Duration (as it’s known) is a gray area and one that varies widely from state to state. Typically duration is based on the length of the marriage, the age of the parties and possibly the type of alimony being paid (more on temporary and rehabilitative spousal support in a moment). Remarriage of the receiving spouse, cohabitation (in some cases), a change in financial circumstance such as loss of employment or retirement, etc. can all be considered events that would trigger a reduction or elimination of the payment of alimony.

What is temporary maintenance?
Temporary maintenance can be broken out into two categories. First is that of spousal support paid while the divorce is still in process (also known as pendente lite alimony) and rehabilitative spousal support both which are further defined below. Both of these are temporary in nature and have a specific end date.

What is pendente lite alimony?
Pendente lite alimony is a payment of support made from one spouse to the other while the divorce is in process. This is commonly done in cases where one spouse has moved out prior to the divorce being finalized and so the spouse that remains in the marital home requires financial assistance in order to pay the mortgage, make the bills, etc. Pendente lite alimony is temporary and stops upon finalization of the divorce as the “real” spousal support would then begin.

Child Support Modification Reason #1: A Change in Income
Some of the cases we see involve a simple modification of child support due to a change in the parties’ incomes. In many of the child support formulas throughout the United States, the income of each party is a guiding factor in its calculation and therefore when one parties’ income changes significantly and for an extended period of time, we see the parties return to mediation to discuss the modification of child support.

Child Support Modification Reason #2: A Change in the Parenting Plan
Sometimes the modification of child support is necessitated by a shift in parental responsibilities from one parent to the other. In some cases, the number of overnights the children spend with each parent is a factor in the calculation of child support and so for example if the children were spending 7 nights with each parent in a 14 day period and now they are spending 12 with one and 2 with the other, the parent with whom the children are spending more time with, is incurring more expense and therefore, will need additional financial assistance to care for the children.

Child Support Modification Reason #3: The Age of the Children
It’s a fact: teenagers are more expensive than younger children to raise. One of the reasons parents will consider the modification of child support is to account for the increased costs associated with raising teenagers (texting bill anyone?!) By recognizing that you as parents want the best for your children, regardless of your marital status, you can work together on a child support modification plan that will ensure your kids have the financial resources they need.

Child Support Modification Reason #4: Extraordinary Expenses
Take for example the parents of a high school junior (let’s call him Steve) who wants to study fashion. Steve has an opportunity to study in Milan and do an internship his senior year. Steve needs $6,000 to do so. Dad is completely supportive and according to the terms of their agreement, is required to pay 60% of the expense which he will gladly do. Mom wants Steve to be a professional athlete and while she does have the 40% to kick in, she is not supportive of Steve’s decision. The modification of child support in this case may involve us discussing what happens if dad wants to pay 100%? Is there some other expenses that mom is supportive of that she would be willing to pay 100% of? In this example of child support modification, we would be trading responsibilities and can make Steve a happy guy by sending him to Milan and to All-Star Baseball Camp. Lucky Steve!

While these are just a few of the more common reasons for child support modification, as every situation is unique, it’s always best to consult with a mediator who can help you determine if the modification of child support is appropriate in your particular case. Please feel free to give us a call at (908) 864-2177 with any comments or questions.

What is Joint Custody Type #1: Physical Custody
As the name suggests, physical custody tells us which parent physically has the children at any given moment and typically is the main issue people think of when asking what is joint custody. For example, it’s 9 o’clock in the evening on a random Tuesday – who is physically with the children at that moment in time. In a joint custody situation, that would indicate that each parent would have the children for an equal number of Tuesdays, Saturdays, holidays etc. in any given year or years.

Typical issues discussed when talking about physical custody include:

• Where do the children sleep during the week and on the weekends for both the school year and the summer vacation?
• Who has the children on major holidays – both religious and non-religious?
• How do the children get from Parent A to Parent B when it is time for the others parenting time?
• Who is responsible for the care of the children when they are sick or there is an emergency or school closing?

So in the case of joint custody from the physical perspective, that would indicate that the children would spend 50% of their time with each parent for any of the aforementioned events. The real question you both have to ask yourselves is does joint custody make sense in the physical sense? While yes there are some who feel that each parent should spend 50% of their time with the minor child, in some cases that may simply not be practical. Perhaps one party has a more demanding job than the other so in this case joint custody by the physical definition may not make sense. Or let’s say the children are quite young and they are school aged. Would flip flopping them during the school week from Parent A to Parent B make sense? Maybe, maybe not.

The good news is there are other ways to get to a joint custody arrangement without shuttling the kids all over the place. That’s where an experienced divorce mediator can help by providing you with sample parenting plans and worksheets to help you determine if joint custody or some other arrangement is practical in your particular situation. As I tell my clients – you know your children better than I do so I’m counting on each of you to do what’s in their best interest, even thought it might not be in yours and you may not be seeing them as often as you’d like. We can use a combination of weekdays, weekends, holidays and summers to get as close to a joint custody arrangement as possible.

What is Joint Custody Type #2: Legal Custody
In the case of legal custody, this tells us who has the right to make legal decisions on behalf of the children such as who can move them out of state and who can change their names. If something were to happen to one of you, the other parent would immediately become the sole guardian and retain full custody of the children. In the case of legal custody, the going in supposition is that unless you say otherwise, you each have joint custody of the children so less time is typically spent on this in mediation than physical custody. So in effect the question of what is joint custody, is answered already in 99% of legal custody cases.

So as you can see the question of what is joint custody centers itself on two things: the physical custody and the legal custody of the minor children. By developing a parenting plan with your children in mind, you can determine if joint custody or some other form of custody is practical in your particular situation. What types of joint custody have you seen? We’d love to know creative ways parents have worked together of the benefit of the children and would encourage you to share them in the comments below.

Dealing with Conflict: Tip #1 – Remain Calm!
When it comes to divorce, fighting fire with fire isn’t the best tactic for dealing with conflict. Sure you might think that you’re going to get taken advantage of if you don’t scream and yell but the reality is at the end of the day the law is the law and so your settlement is going to look the same no matter how you behave. I see this frequently when each party has their own legal representation and the layers and the parties are slugging it out and getting nowhere. In this case: no one is calm!

Dealing with Conflict: Tip #2 – Focus on the Situation, Not the Person
If someone is yelling at you, no matter what they’re telling you, chances are you’re going to react in an unfavorable way. One of the divorce mediators I work with has a saying I love. He says “the parties were in violent agreement.” Think about that statement! They’re yelling at each other so much they don’t even realize they’re saying the exact same thing. Notice it wasn’t the message but rather the messenger. So when it comes to dealing with conflict, ignore the tone of the other party’s voice or their body language and focus on the situation.

Dealing with Conflict: Tip #3 – A Powerful Question
Let me ask you a question. Would you rather be happy or right? When it comes to dealing with conflict this is a critical question you need to be asking yourself constantly as the conflict unfolds and you find yourself embroiled in it (whether you want to or not). By its very nature divorce can set up a classic win-lose equation where somebody has to be wrong so that somebody can be right but really at the end of the day, where does this get you? Is there really a “winner” in divorce? (the answer would be no by the way). Be happy and move on. Case closed.

Dealing with Conflict: Tip #4 – Be Solutions Oriented
Have you watched the news lately? Take the issue of Republicans versus Democrats. Last time I checked, we were all Americans, so why is dealing with conflict so hard for our Congress? I believe it’s because they aren’t being solutions oriented because they’re too busy defending their position. Divorce is the same way. A typical example is when one side makes an offer and the other side rejects it flat out without any explanation why. Perhaps the offer wasn’t in the realm of reasonableness, but can you at least give the other side credit for putting something out there in the first place? At a minimum, while it may not have been to your liking, it was a possible solution, even if it wasn’t a good one!

At the end of the day, no one likes dealing with conflict so while it may not make you feel any better, just know the other side is just as scared, angry and upset as you are. So what are your tips for dealing with conflict? Drop me a line or make a comment below as I’d love to know!

The first consideration for the dissolution of marriage is that of the decision itself. The dissolution of marriage represents a major life-changing event and sometimes, the individuals I work with fail to realize that and expect their lives to be exactly the same as they were while married. Sometimes the pain of their current situation is so great that they can see no way forward other than divorce and so they choose what seems to be the path of least resistance. In cases such as these I recommend clients work with a divorce coach who can not only help them understand and prepare for what their life after divorce will be but also examine the reasons why they are considering the dissolution of marriage in the first place. Knowing the reason(s) may make one feel better about their decision and ensure it was well thought out and not simply a reaction to a recent argument or temporary relationship stressor such as loss of employment.

The second consideration for the dissolution of marriage is that of the process. When it comes to divorce, you have two main choices of how you proceed. You can either hire an attorney to represent you which in most case you lose control of the decision making process as your attorney will be negotiating on your behalf or you can work with a divorce mediator to help facilitate direct negotiations between you and your spouse in order to resolve all of the issues surrounding your divorce. As a divorce mediator myself, naturally I encourage couples to pursue the more peaceful and cost-effective path of mediation but mediation is not appropriate in all cases. I view my role as helping you each get the best result in your particular situation and sometimes, mediation is not the answer, especially in high conflict cases or in those in which there is a power imbalance or domestic violence. The good news is about 98% of the couples I encounter are mediation friendly so when considering the dissolution of marriage, think about your particular situation and consider which process would work in your particular case.

The third consideration for the dissolution of marriage is the areas of negotiation. Once you’ve made the decision to divorce and have selected the process by which you will pursue the dissolution of marriage, you will now need to negotiate a settlement in four main areas:

• Parenting and child custody
• Equitable distribution of your martial assets and liabilities
• Child support and expenses sharing for the children
• Spousal support (also known as alimony in some states)

Depending on which path you chose to pursue your divorce, either your attorneys will represent you in each of these four main areas or your mediator will help you negotiate directly to reach agreement in each of these four areas. Either way, your resulting settlement will be identical regardless of if you used a lawyer or mediator so if at all possible, choose mediation when considering the dissolution of marriage.

Strategy #1 for Parenting After Divorce: embrace your differences – they say a well-rounded child comes from being exposed to all sorts of activities, viewpoints and stimuli and so why should different parenting styles be anything but a positive? You must realize that there will be times your children will be with your ex so trying to control how your ex interacts with them (unless there is an immediate danger to the kids!) is futile. Recognize that just because you find going to a museum the ideal way to spend a Saturday and your ex finds going to a hockey game to be ideal, it doesn’t make either of you a better parent. It’s a lucky child that gets exposes to both sports and culture.

Strategy #2 for Parenting After Divorce: enjoy being an adult instead of a parent sometimes – when you were married, it seemed like all you did was parent your child. Now that you are divorced and will have some days where your kids aren’t with you, instead of spending your time sitting home wondering what “damage” your ex is doing to their social development, how about doing a little social development of your own? Go out with friends, read a book, have a beer. In other words – be an adult. By doing so, you’ll be better prepared for the pressures of being a single parent for a compressed period of time. Being an adult is your way of keeping your life in balance so that you can be the best parent to your child when they’re with you and the best friend to you when you’re alone.

Strategy #3 for Parenting After Divorce: practice “self-coaching” – for some reason there are people and issues that really get us going. Can’t stand people who juggle? Hate the idea of eating cheesecake? Whatever your “hot button issue” is, knowing about it is half the battle. Especially right after a divorce your emotions are going to be raw and so you need to be extra vigilant not to react to something your ex says that rubs you the wrong way. By prepare yourself for the possible button pushing scenarios that may arise when you interact with your ex, you’ll be better prepared to not react to them when they do. And if you do get tripped up over something they said that got to you, practice self-coaching to recognize that you aren’t quite feeling like the person you want to be and slowly coach your way out of it to a more positive state of being. Easier said than done you say? As a divorce coach I would disagree with you as like anything in life, you just need to know how to do it and that’s why I’m here: to help!

Strategy #4 for Parenting After Divorce: discuss critical issues face to face and in public – seems counter intuitive, doesn’t it? Spend time with my ex face to face? And in public? Are you kidding me Cheryl? No I am not. While a majority of my coaching is done via telephone, I’m not in an emotionally charged relationship with my clients. You on the other hand might find yourself hanging up on your ex, getting hung up on or yelling at each other until neither side can hear the other. By meeting in a public place and face to face, there is the embarrassment factor that will keep both of you somewhat in line and help resolve the issues more effectively than if you lobbed nasty e-mails or texts to each other all day. It’s real easy to hide behind technology when you want to hurt someone. It’s harder to do it to their face. In public.

And while these are just a few of the techniques I share with my clients when discussing parenting after divorce, as each client’s situation is unique, it’s important to realize that interacting with an ex takes a lot more than simply reading an article. If you have any tips for parenting after divorce, I’d love to hear about them in the comments section below or give me a call at (908) 864-2177 and let’s talk about how I can help you work through any issues you may be facing parenting after divorce.