That being said, here are 7 helpful tips for negotiating a child support agreement.

1. Be Honest – When it comes to finances, if you and your spouse are going to reach a child support agreement that is fair and equitable, you must both be honest about your income and your expenses. Documents such as pay stubs and tax returns should be presented to account for income, and a detailed, accurate budget should be presented, which clearly outlines the family expenses.
2. Consider Extraneous Expenses – In addition to regular living expenses, other unique expenses are often at the heart of negotiating a child support agreement that deviates from the state guidelines. These may include things such as educational expense or medical bills. Anything that the child is accustomed to, which may cause tension or disruption if taken away, should be factored into the calculation. For instance, rather than pulling a child from the school they are used to attending, both parties can negotiate so that the added cost of the child’s schooling can be factored in to the child support amount.
3. Provide Proof – It’s much easier to reach a child support agreement when all of the documentation is present, rather than using estimated or unsubstantiated amounts. This allows both parties to clearly see what expenses should be considered and leaves less room for conflict or disagreement. Things like cancelled checks, bank statements and receipts should all be presented so that a clear picture can be developed of the overall needs of the family. You don’t know how many times I’ve sat across from a couple where one party has no idea just how much the kids cost and simply can’t believe than sneakers cost $X or “camp was how much!?”
4. Take an Open-Minded Approach – Just as with any part of the divorce process, hearing each other out and taking the time to listen to each partner’s questions and concerns helps to make negotiating a child support agreement go much smoother, because everyone has a chance to be heard.
5. Keep it in Perspective – It may seem frustrating to have to pay money to your former spouse, but it’s important to always keep things in perspective. When you remember that the child support agreement is meant to provide for the needs of your children it can be much easier to both negotiate and pay. The money belongs to them, not to your ex-spouse.
6. Don’t Involve the Children – While child support is meant to benefit your children, they should never be put in the middle of any discussion or negotiation that you and your spouse are engaging in. Payments should also never be sent through the child, but rather directly from one parent to the other or if necessary, through the NJ Payment Support Center. It’s never a good idea to discuss any type of legal issues with your children.
7. Plan for Modifications – Child support agreements are not set in stone. Things such as changes in income and the age and needs of the children may all be considered reasons for modifications. My advice? Take time to review the children’s expenses annually and be open to modifications on a bi-annual basis to avoid future conflict down the road.

Divorce can be a complicated process, particularly when there are children involved. Part of responsible co-parenting involves negotiating a child support agreement which meets the needs of your family, and that both parties are comfortable with. Mediation can help you navigate through this process and come together in a way that focuses on the children, who are the most important factor. If you need help negotiating a child support agreement that’s in the best interest of your children, please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 and we’d be glad to help.

Take the first step and schedule your free coaching session now!

Hammers and Groundhogs

As my husband likes to say “when the only tool you have is a hammer, the whole world looks like a nail” and the same goes for life. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, then how can you expect to get a different result? You can’t. You keep using the same tool for everything and while sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, you wind up confused, frustrated and unsure about what to do next and how to get “unstuck.” As your coach it’s not only my job to help you learn how to use that hammer but to also give you a screwdriver, a saw, a level and tape measure and help you use those as well. Along the way we’ll work together to help you discover the old you and the best you and help you move forward towards your new life. And if you think that’s a lot of “you’s” in there well, you’d be right because it is all about you!

Take the first step and schedule your free coaching session now!

Early Spring or More Winter?

Having the perspective of a objective and professional trained outside third party like a Certified Professional Coach can really help you see past those gray wintery days, break those old habits and direct you onto a new path that will allow you to move past what holds you back but the choice of whether to pop out and check for signs of spring or stay hunkered down in your winter’s burrow is entirely up to you. I can’t force you to do what you don’t want to do as coaching (like mediation) is a voluntary process where the parties involved have to be fully committed to the coaching relationship. I’m in, are you?

Take the first step and schedule your free coaching session now!

Let’s Build Some Momentum

Is it going to be easy? Not if you go it alone. But side by side, we can do this together, helping you take the small but necessary steps that will first allow you to crawl, then walk and then run. Soon you’ll be off on your own, looking back thinking to yourself “what was I waiting for?’ As someone who has been divorced themselves, I know from experience what it’s like to want to sit in a dark room and never come out. But when I found myself in that dark place, I made the calls and sought out the resources I needed to get myself out of the funk and on to a better tomorrow. I’m not saying it will happen overnight but it can happen but only if you let it but you need to start sometime and that sometime is today. Not tomorrow, not next week but today.

Take the first step and schedule your free coaching session now!

The Time To Act Is Now!

Let me make it easy on you. I want to talk to you and help you move forward but I need you to take that first step. Below you will find a link that will allow you to schedule an appointment with me where we’ll explore your current situation and start to put together a plan to take you from surviving to thriving. All you have to do is point and click. Can you do that for me? More importantly, can you do that for you?

Take the first step and schedule your free coaching session now!

I know you’ll be glad you did.

What Does Joint Physical Custody Mean?

In simplest of terms, joint physical custody is an arrangement in which both parents share equal rights in terms of time and contact with their children. In other words, the children’s physical place of residence is shared between both parents. For instance, the children may reside with their mother for one full week, and their father the next full week, or they may split the week to provide both parents with relatively equal parenting time. It’s important to note that this arrangement typically only works when both parents live close to one another, otherwise it may simply be too stressful for the children.

Differences

Many couples I work with confuse joint physical custody with joint legal custody. The main difference between the two is that legal custody governs who gets to make decisions for the children, such as healthcare and education, and who is allowed to move the children out of state. Parents who are given joint legal custody share these rights and unless there is a really good reason to state otherwise, joint legal custody is the default position for children and divorce. Joint physical custody is similar in that both parents share equal rights; however, physical custody governs only where the children will stay. It’s possible to share joint legal custody but not joint physical custody. In the end, it really depends on the situation and the family dynamics.

Benefits of Joint Physical Custody

I am in favor of joint physical custody arrangements, but only when both parents are able to work together and have their children’s best interest at heart. Unfortunately, sometimes I find parents who battle for control of their child and use joint physical custody as a way to “get their fair share” of the kids or to ensure (and I quote) “to make sure they live a normal life at least half the time!” There are a lot of benefits to these types of arrangements, such as:

• Stronger Relationships – When children feel equally at home in the residence of both their mother and their father, they are able to develop strong, healthy relationships with both parents.
• Eliminates the Conflict of Loyalty – Children who only spend limited time with one parent often feel torn about where their loyalties lie. In joint physical custody arrangements, this conflict and tension is eliminated because parenting time is equal.
• Easier Transition – When one parent moves out of the marital home, it can be a traumatic experience for the children. With a joint physical custody plan, even though both parents no longer reside under the same roof, their children often find the transition easier.
• Shared Responsibility – Being a single parent is never easy. Joint physical custody arrangements make it easier on both parents because they each share equal responsibility when it comes to caring for and raising their children.
• Better Cooperation – Parents often benefit from joint physical custody arrangements because they are forced to work together on a regular basis for the sake of their children. This allows for better cooperation and collaborative parenting. It also benefits the children, who get to witness their parents interacting with one another in a mature, conflict-free manner.

How Mediation Can Help

Developing an effective parenting plan through mediation can help both parties determine which type of custody arrangement will work best for them. Whenever possible, an arrangement that allows the children to spend as much time as possible with both parents is always the best scenario. Mediation can help both parties to work together and come up with a plan that works for everyone involved and suits the unique needs of their family. When child custody is determined through mediation, both parties are more comfortable with the outcome, which ultimately benefits the children in the long run so if you need help developing a child custody plan either during or after you divorce, please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 and we’d be glad to help.

What is a Non-Custodial Parent?

By definition, a non-custodial parent is a parent who does not have physical custody of his or her children. In other words, their children do not live with them the majority of the time. It’s important to note that it’s possible for a non-custodial parent to have legal custody of their children, even though they do not have physical custody. The non-custodial parent typically agrees to a visitation schedule, during which he or she spends quality time with their children, and are usually ordered to pay child support to the custodial parent.

Myths and Misconceptions

There are a number of unsettling myths and misconceptions about non-custodial parents that are simply not true. For instance, some people mistakenly believe that:

• Non-custodial parents are deadbeats – While there are certainly parents out there that choose not to pay support for their children, most non-custodial parents are responsible and pay their child support regularly.
• All non-custodial parents are fathers – It’s a common misconception that the mother is always awarded physical custody of the children following a divorce. In reality, more and more fathers are taking on this role. Mediation also plays a big part in this, because parenting plans are negotiated rather than court ordered. It ultimately depends on the situation and the dynamics of each family.
• Non-custodial parents are not involved in their children’s lives – Just because a non-custodial parent no longer physically resides in the same home with their children, it doesn’t mean they are suddenly out of the picture. In fact, most non-custodial parents work diligently to remain active and involved in their children’s lives.

4 Tips for Staying Connected

1. Schedule Phone Calls – It’s important to remember that a separation or divorce not only impacts you, but also your children. Knowing that they can count on a phone call from you at certain pre-determined intervals (such as each night at a specified time) can be reassuring. It will also keep you in the loop on what is going on with your children in their day to day lives. If scheduled phone calls don’t work because of busy or erratic schedules, just make a commitment to try and reach out regularly. Even if you’re only able to leave a voicemail message or send a text, at least your children will know that you’re thinking of them.
2. Ask Questions – When you don’t get to see each other every day, it’s important that you make the most out of the time you do spend together. Be sure to take an interest in your children’s lives by asking questions about them and really listening to what they have to say. You’ll learn more about who your children are, their accomplishments, what they’re proud of or excited about, and what challenges they may be facing. It’s an excellent way to bond and all it takes is a few simple questions.
3. Utilize Other Forms of Communication – You don’t have to rely on just phone calls to stay in touch with your children. A non-custodial parent in this day and age has access to a number of technological communications, such as email and text messages (if your children are old enough), or more traditional methods such as mailing a care package, card or letter. It doesn’t matter the method, it’s the thought behind it that counts.
4. Stay Involved – Being an active, involved non-custodial parent isn’t always an easy task. It is, however, a critical component to building a solid, loving relationship with your children. Make the effort and do what it takes to remain a part of your children’s lives. Attend their games or recitals and take an interest in their schooling. Your commitment and consistency will pay off in the long run.

It’s important to remember that even though you may be a non-custodial parent, you are still a family and play a pivotal role in the lives of your children. Do what it takes to stay involved and connected with your children, and the bond you develop will continue to grow as they do.

1. What is Child Support? – When I am asked the question, “How does child support work”, I begin by first explaining what child support is. By definition, child support is the ongoing, periodic payments made from one parent to the other for the benefit of their minor child or children. There is no simple, one-size-fits-all approach to child support – it differs, based on the specific situation of each family. In general, the New Jersey Child Support Guidelines attempt to calculate the average cost of raising a child from age zero through 17.99 years.
2. Why Do I Have to Pay Child Support? – Another question that frequently comes up following the standard “how does child support work,” is why the non-custodial parent has to pay child support, particularly in the case of a joint custody arrangement. Even though you may share custody with your former spouse, the parent who has physical custody typically incurs more expenses for the child, and is therefore usually awarded child support. A special deduction may be calculated for the parent who pays support, however, based on the number of days they each spend with their kids. Again, each situation is unique.
3. Where Does My Child Support Money Go? – The purpose of child support is to help provide such necessities as food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, education and day care for the child. For the non-custodial parent, it can sometimes be frustrating handing money over to their former spouse. Unlike litigated divorce, in mediation, couples are encouraged to openly discuss all of their needs and concerns, as well as those of their children. By getting this all out on the table, it often becomes more evident to the non-custodial parent that the child support payments they will be making will, in fact, be used for the benefit of their children.
4. Will My Child Support Always Stay the Same? – Child support is not something that is set in stone. If the child’s needs change, or if one parent’s financial situation changes, the amount of child support originally ordered may need to be modified. In such cases, the existing order may be amended, either through a mutual agreement between both parties or by a court order. If you handled your original divorce settlement through mediation, you’re already familiar with the process. This process can also be applied to child support modifications, making it a more positive, amicable experience.
5. When Will Child Support End? – The last part of the “how does child support work” question is usually, “when will it end”? Again, every situation is different; however, in general, child support ceases when the child reaches age of majority or is emancipated. Emancipated can be defined in a number of way including graduation from college, entering the military, getting married, etc. As emancipation is a rather complex subject, it’s best to work with a mediator to come to agreements on what constitutes emancipation.

The most important thing I’d like to point out is that concluding child support should be based on the child’s needs, not solely on their age. This should always be considered prior to requesting that payments be stopped. These are the basics of NJ child support. If you find yourself still wondering “how does child support work?”, please feel free to give us a call at (908) 864-2177. We’d be happy to schedule an appointment to discuss your unique situation and answer any questions you may have.

How are Alimony Laws Applied?

New Jersey alimony laws consider a number of factors in determining whether a person will have to pay spousal support. It has nothing to do with a spouse feeling that they are entitled or deserve financial support from their former spouse, but rather takes into account such specific factors as the marital lifestyle, the dependent spouse’s ability to contribute to their own support and, if there is a shortfall, the ability of the supporting spouse to meet said shortfall. Unlike child support, in NJ there is no formula or specific guidelines for calculating alimony. This is why it’s so important to discuss the alimony laws and how they affect your individual situation with a licensed professional.

What Types of Spousal Support do NJ Alimony Laws Cover?

NJ alimony laws cover four types of spousal support:

1. Permanent Alimony – This type of alimony typically only applies to marriages that have lasted at least 15 years or longer and in situations where there is a significant difference in the income of both spouses. In cases where permanent spousal support is being requested, alimony laws also consider such factors as the age and health of both parties, the prior marital lifestyle or standard of living and the ongoing responsibilities of each spouse.
2. Limited Duration Alimony – Just as it sounds, limited duration alimony (or LDA, as it’s sometimes referred to) is ordered to be paid for a specified period of time and is more commonly seen in marriages of shorter duration.
3. Rehabilitative Alimony – In some situations, alimony laws take into account the needs of one spouse to better themselves and increase their earning potential through education or job skill training. In those cases, rehabilitative alimony may be awarded to assist the dependent spouse during this transition period.
4. Reimbursement Alimony – This type of spousal support is less common, and takes into account situations where one spouse supported the other while they were going to school or attending another type of advanced training. Reimbursement alimony is meant to compensate, or “reimburse” said spouse for this financial support.

How Can Mediation Help?

Alimony laws can be tricky, regardless of the state in which you divorce. The best way to truly understand these complex laws and exactly how they apply to your unique situation is to consult with a qualified professional. Mediation provides the perfect avenue for this because it involves an unbiased individual who understands and can help you navigate the alimony laws, and in a safe, comfortable environment.

Mediation may also be helpful down the road, even after the divorce has been finalized. For instance, the amount of spousal support ordered may not necessarily stay the same forever. Other factors may come into play over time, such as a change in income or retirement, which may result in a modification. Likewise, there are also situations which may eliminate the need for ongoing spousal support, such as remarriage or cohabitation of the dependent spouse. These situations are often complex and confusing, and require someone with knowledge of alimony laws to step in and provide guidance.

Spousal support continues to be a hot topic and something I am intimately familiar with, given my years of experience as a divorce mediator. If you and your spouse have any questions about alimony laws and how they might be applied in your particular situation, please give us a call at (908) 864-2177. We’re always happy to schedule some time to meet with you and your spouse to discuss your unique situation.

Cohabitation Agreements

Like the name suggests, this agreement outlines how you and your partner are to operate if you decide to live together and forgo the traditional bonds of marriage. As we are seeing more couples skipping the wedding and going straight to the moving in, the idea of a Cohabitation Agreement doesn’t seem so far fetched now. This applies to both younger couples who have never been married before as well as mature couples who have already been married and instead of getting remarried are simply looking for the security and companionship that cohabitation can bring. Mediating such an agreement can go a long way towards outlining what both your day to day operations look like as a couple as well as detailing what assets and liabilities you came into the relationship and which ones you will leave with.

Questions to consider include:

• What if we own two houses – which one do we move into and which one do we vacate?
• Who pays the mortgage if the house doesn’t belong to both of us?
• How do we handle retirement assets, especially if one of us has a 401k and one of us doesn’t?
• How do we divide any joint savings should we split up?
• How will we parent any children we have as a result of this relationship?
The possibilities may seem endless but while it’s important to nail down the major issues, we needn’t worry about every single detail. It’s simply important to document the current state of affairs and put some general rules in place for the future should things not work out.

Prenuptial Agreements

Like Cohabitation Agreements, the questions are similar in nature except these agreements are drafted keeping in mind that the parties are indeed getting married. In these cases, we can still discuss the items that each of you brought into the marriage and which assets may be considered pre-marital and the terms by which were they to be co-mingled, become marital. We’ll also discuss any plans you may have surrounding children and put some basic rules in place regarding child sharing and custody should you find yourself in the midst of a divorce. And while the enforceability of these agreements may vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, like with mediation, it’s up to the parties to decide what they think is a fair and equitable settlement. By drafting a Prenuptial Agreement prior to your wedding day, if and when the unfortunate day comes and you find yourself divorcing, you’ll both have an idea of what each of you thought was fair at a time when love and respect was paramount in your relationship. By following the guidelines set forth by your more calm and rational selves, you can easily come to agreements during your divorce and avoid the long drawn-out process of an attorney driven divorce or ugly courtroom battle.

Mediation is a great place to draft up a Cohabitation Agreement or Prenuptial Agreement so if you or a loved one is either about to move in with a significant other or walk down that aisle, please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 and let’s talk. Like the old saying goes: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure and having a Cohabitation Agreement or Prenuptial Agreement agreement place may turn out to be all the prevention you need.

]]> http://www.equitablemediation.com/2012/cohabitation-agreement-prenuptial-agreement/feed/ 0 http://www.equitablemediation.com/2012/what-is-child-support/ http://www.equitablemediation.com/2012/what-is-child-support/#comments Wed, 02 May 2012 04:01:03 +0000 Joseph Dillon, MBA, APM http://www.equitablemediation.com/?p=627 Although it is most likely a term that you have heard over and over in many different contexts, you may still not have a full understanding of the answer to the question: what is child support? Furthermore, that answer can actually encompass a number of different factors so it’s not quite as simple as it may seem. At its most simple, child support is an ongoing, regularly scheduled payment made by a parent for the direct benefit of his or her child. Most often, we discuss child support in relation to divorce, but it is important to keep in mind that child support is different and separate from alimony or spousal support. So when considering the question “what is child support,” remember that alimony is intended for an ex-wife or ex-husband, but child support it is intended for the direct benefit of a child.

Who Pays Child Support?

While it’s true that many child support arrangements are negotiated and finalized in the course of divorce proceedings, child support payments and obligations are relevant to any situation where a child has one (or more) non-custodial parents, meaning that the child does not live with one or both parents. This is because the United States has determined that every parent has an obligation to pay for the upbringing of his or her child. The only requirement for child support to be deemed necessary is the proof of either paternity or maternity, depending on who the non-custodial parent is. This means that even in the case of a couple who was together for only one night, if a child was a result of that union, both parents are obligated to provide that child with financial support, whether that is through the actual physical raising of the child, the absentee financial support of the child, or some combination of those.

The Income Shares Model

If you’re wondering what is child support in relation to how much it will actually cost, know that the process of actually determining how much child support will be paid and to whom can be a complicated process and the calculations vary from state to state. In the state of New Jersey, child support payments are based on what is known as an “Income Shares” model. What this means is that the courts in New Jersey have determined that a child should receive the same amount of financial support from his or her parents that they would have received if the parents had stayed together. The actual calculation will vary in every situation, but to keep it simple, the two parents’ incomes are compared, the number of overnights each child spends with each parent is factored in and a few other odds and ends like who takes them as a tax deduction, the children’s ages and who pays for their medical insurance. This results in an amount of child support which is divided into the amount of child support each parent will have to pay. If both parents, for instance, earn the same salary and have the children the same amount of time, it is likely their share of the child support obligation will be very close to equal. Of course, this isn’t usually the case and so percentages are calculated respective to whatever disparity exists.

Child Support Frequency and Disqualifying Events

It’s worth noting that, in addition to being unrelated to any alimony judgments, child support awards are not related to contact with the child. Multiple courts have determined, for instance, that a custodial parent does not have the right to withhold visitation rights from a parent who is not up to date with his or her child support payments. By the same token, parents cannot refuse to make child support payments if they are denied contact with their child.

Child support is paid out on a regular basis, usually monthly, and a variety of penalties exist for falling behind in payments. Some states will revoke the driver’s license of parents that fail to make their child support payments or even garnish the wages of those same parents. In Texas, a parent who has failed to pay child support for more than three months can even have that money deducted from lottery winnings!

Once we know the answer to what is child support, everyone can agree that people who choose to bring a child into the world need to accept that the child is then their responsibility, not just physically and emotionally but financially. Determining child support can be a difficult process when it is added on top of the already stressful environment of divorce, but with the help of a mediator, it is possible to come to a workable solution for all involved. Need help calculating child support in your case? Please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 and we’d gald to help.

]]> http://www.equitablemediation.com/2012/what-is-child-support/feed/ 0 http://www.equitablemediation.com/2012/causes-of-conflict-and-how-coaching-can-help/ http://www.equitablemediation.com/2012/causes-of-conflict-and-how-coaching-can-help/#comments Mon, 30 Apr 2012 04:02:52 +0000 Cheryl Dillon, CPC http://www.equitablemediation.com/?p=631 Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all couples who divorce could simply shake hands, agree on everything and go their separate ways? Unfortunately, this is typically not the case. Divorce can be a very emotional experience, and is often wrought with conflict, making it challenging for both parties to reach middle ground on anything. Coaching can help bring these conflicts to light and encourage both parties to work together to overcome them.

Every divorce is different; however there are some causes of conflict that I encounter more frequently with my clients. These include:
Children – Some parents mistakenly believe that the amount of parenting time determines who the better parent is. Not only is this detrimental to developing a successful parenting plan, but it can have a significant effect on the emotional health of everyone involved, including the children.

Parenting Styles – When a couple first has children, they rarely have identical views on how to parent. Instead, they often find a way to compromise with one another, with one parent yielding to the other on some things, and both reaching middle ground on others. Unfortunately, when parents separate, these compromises often break down with both parents reverting to their own styles and rules. Not surprisingly, this can result in tremendous conflict.

Finances/Money – Money is actually one of the biggest causes of conflict that I’ve seen throughout my career as a coach. No matter how much money a couple has, when it comes time for a divorce, there almost never seems to be enough. Factors such as child support and spousal support are huge sources of tension that must be worked out and overcome.

Property – In the midst of all the emotion and conflict of a divorce, suddenly every piece of property can become something to battle over. These superficial items often represent the underlying feelings of hurt, anger and frustration that one or both parties are feeling.

Control/Power – One of the most difficult aspects of a divorce is letting go of the other person. Some divorcing spouses get locked in a battle over maintaining control of one another’s lives. Money and children are often used as tools to manipulate and control, causing further conflict as a result.

Unresolved Emotions/Feelings – If I were to ask every person that I work with to describe how they were feeling in one word, I’d almost certainly get responses like angry, sad, lonely, scared, anxious, betrayed, abandoned, and overwhelmed as well as words like safe, relieved and free. Regardless of which side you are on, when going through a divorce there are often unresolved emotions and feelings that, if they are not dealt with, will almost certainly lead to further conflict.

Divorce is rarely a cut and dry process. Strong emotions, unresolved anger, and poor communication can all play a role in a rocky divorce process. This, coupled with the common causes of conflict listed above, are barriers that I, as a coach, must work hard to break down in order to open the doors of effective communication between the parties which will in turn, help them throughout their mediation as well as their lives, post-divorce.

It’s important to find a way to overcome these causes of conflict and reach a mutual ground based on respect and open communication, particularly when there are children involved. Children can sense conflict and have the tendency to place blame on themselves when there is discord between their parents. There are a few methods that I employ when working with my clients to overcome these causes of conflict.

These include:

• Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries
• Developing and adhering to a parenting plan
• Keeping all communication open, honest and calm
• Listening to one another and working toward solutions instead of arguments
• Creating a foundation for future decision making and dispute resolution
• Committing to always keeping the children’s best interest in mind

Finally, it’s important to note that once a divorce is finalized, that doesn’t necessarily mean there will be no more conflict in the future. My advice would be to recognize when any of these causes of conflict arise and put into action what you learned during coaching to successfully reach a resolution that will allow everyone involved to move forward in a positive direction.

Please know that you don’t have to go it alone. When you’re ready, please give me a call at (908) 864-2177 and I’d be happy to speak to you about how coaching can help with life, before, during and after divorce.

]]> http://www.equitablemediation.com/2012/causes-of-conflict-and-how-coaching-can-help/feed/ 0 http://www.equitablemediation.com/2012/what-is-joint-legal-custody/ http://www.equitablemediation.com/2012/what-is-joint-legal-custody/#comments Fri, 27 Apr 2012 04:03:35 +0000 Joseph Dillon, MBA, APM http://www.equitablemediation.com/?p=621 One of the most important parts of mediating a divorce for a couple with young children is establishing a custody arrangement. There are a number of options available, and each situation is unique, however one of the most common arrangements agreed upon is that of joint legal custody. This allows both parents relatively equal rights in most matters concerning the children. The first step in determining whether this type of settlement will work for you and your spouse is understanding exactly what joint custody means, what the benefits are and what challenges you may face along the way.

Definition of Joint Legal Custody

Simply put, joint legal custody means that both parents share the same legal authority to make major decisions for their children regarding such important matters as education and health care. It’s important to point out that joint legal custody is not the same as physical custody. Both parents may have joint legal custody of a child, however only one may actually maintain physical custody. Physical custody simply determines where the child will physically reside the majority of the time.

Benefits of Joint Legal Custody

Establishing a joint legal custody arrangement can have a number of benefits, both for the parents and the children. These types of plans encourage open, honest communication because all major decisions must be reached together. Working with one another for the benefit of the children can help both former spouses develop an effective, collaborative and well-balanced co-parenting strategy.

Joint legal custody arrangements can also be beneficial for the children because they provide the opportunity to witness both parents interacting in an amicable way. Children see that both parents care about them and that each plays an important role in their upbringing. This can also help to lay the foundation for teaching children how to compromise and deal with disagreements in a positive, healthy manner.

Challenges of Joint Legal Custody

Of course, as with anything in divorce, joint legal custody comes with its own set of challenges. By definition, the mere fact that both parents are forced to work together and agree on all major decisions can be difficult, especially when there are past issues and hurt involved. Even the most well-intentioned couples can sometimes find it challenging to collaborate and compromise with one another. There are also times when communicating and discussing certain decisions is simply impractical. All of these things can be overcome if both parties agree to make a concerted effort; however, they are all things that must be kept in mind to avoid unrealistic expectations of the future.

How Mediation Can Help

The most important thing to realize is that simply establishing joint legal custody isn’t the end of the process, but rather just the beginning. To be truly effective, both parties must agree to work with one another as a team, even as they are going their separate ways as spouses. In litigated divorces, this arrangement is often ordered by the judge automatically, with little to no input from either party. The result is often two angry former spouses who can’t or won’t work together because of unresolved issues, frustration or bitterness. Forcing two people to collaborate doesn’t guarantee that they will do so in a positive manner. As you can imagine, this is not healthy for anyone involved.

Mediation can offer a significantly different outcome. Because both parties are brought together in a safe, neutral environment and actually encouraged to discuss all of their concerns openly and honestly, the result is typically much more positive. Everyone feels that they are being heard, and the mediator can facilitate healthy communication that brings the parties together and helps them to focus on the children, rather than on each other. When joint legal custody is established through mediation, the foundation is already in place for mature collaboration, compromise and mutual respect that provides a smooth transition into a healthy co-parenting arrangement for the future.

Need help with your custody arrangement? Please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 and we’d be glad to help.

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