Mediate Your Cohabitation Agreement or Prenuptial Agreement
When most people think of a Cohabitation Agreement or Prenuptial Agreement the first thought that probably comes to mind is “I’m not super wealthy so why would I need one?” or as a divorce mediator my favorite excuse is “drafting a pre-nup prior to my marriage is purposely setting myself up for failure!” With 50% of first marriages ending in divorce and more couples waiting until they are older to get married and subsequently amassing more assets, it’s critical that you give the idea of a Cohabitation Agreement or Prenuptial Agreement some serious thought. On the flip side, with the recent trend in divorce after 50, couples who find themselves approaching their golden years may have even more to worry about and protect so the idea of such an agreement becomes even more crucial. As Cohabitation Agreements and Prenuptial Agreements are slightly different in nature, let’s take a deeper look at each one and see how mediation can help.
Cohabitation Agreements
Like the name suggests, this agreement outlines how you and your partner are to operate if you decide to live together and forgo the traditional bonds of marriage. As we are seeing more couples skipping the wedding and going straight to the moving in, the idea of a Cohabitation Agreement doesn’t seem so far fetched now. This applies to both younger couples who have never been married before as well as mature couples who have already been married and instead of getting remarried are simply looking for the security and companionship that cohabitation can bring. Mediating such an agreement can go a long way towards outlining what both your day to day operations look like as a couple as well as detailing what assets and liabilities you came into the relationship and which ones you will leave with.
Questions to consider include:
- What if we own two houses – which one do we move into and which one do we vacate?
- Who pays the mortgage if the house doesn’t belong to both of us?
- How do we handle retirement assets, especially if one of us has a 401k and one of us doesn’t?
- How do we divide any joint savings should we split up?
- How will we parent any children we have as a result of this relationship?
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The possibilities may seem endless but while it’s important to nail down the major issues, we needn’t worry about every single detail. It’s simply important to document the current state of affairs and put some general rules in place for the future should things not work out.
Prenuptial Agreements
Like Cohabitation Agreements, the questions are similar in nature except these agreements are drafted keeping in mind that the parties are indeed getting married. In these cases, we can still discuss the items that each of you brought into the marriage and which assets may be considered pre-marital and the terms by which were they to be co-mingled, become marital. We’ll also discuss any plans you may have surrounding children and put some basic rules in place regarding child sharing and custody should you find yourself in the midst of a divorce. And while the enforceability of these agreements may vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, like with mediation, it’s up to the parties to decide what they think is a fair and equitable settlement. By drafting a Prenuptial Agreement prior to your wedding day, if and when the unfortunate day comes and you find yourself divorcing, you’ll both have an idea of what each of you thought was fair at a time when love and respect was paramount in your relationship. By following the guidelines set forth by your more calm and rational selves, you can easily come to agreements during your divorce and avoid the long drawn-out process of an attorney driven divorce or ugly courtroom battle.
Mediation is a great place to draft up a Cohabitation Agreement or Prenuptial Agreement so if you or a loved one is either about to move in with a significant other or walk down that aisle, please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 and let’s talk. Like the old saying goes: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure and having a Cohabitation Agreement or Prenuptial Agreement agreement place may turn out to be all the prevention you need.
Conflict Resolution and Mediation
In a perfect world, all divorces would be amicable and both parties would agree on everything the first time. Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world and divorce is oftentimes fraught with tension and conflict. Mediation can be used as a tool to resolve this conflict in a timely manner so that both parties involved will be able to reach an agreement and move forward with their lives. Conflict resolution and mediation go hand in hand. After all, the purpose of choosing a mediator to help with a divorce is to avoid going through a long, drawn out, messy process. Mediation allows for the mature, calm discussion of the issues at hand, and helps both parties to work together to reach a solution that works for everyone involved. Conflict resolution is an integral part of this process – not only as a means to resolve problems, but as a foundation for how to handle future disputes in a positive, productive way.
Conflict Resolution and Personality
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years as a divorce mediator, it’s that people deal with conflict differently. Some get angry and lash out, others get emotional, and still others shut down altogether. Each of these reactions forms a communication barrier and can cause further damage to an already fragile situation. The goal of conflict resolution is to help divorcing spouses open the doors to effective communication so that they can resolve the issues at hand and continue to move forward. Without conflict resolution, the situation can become stagnant and more volatile, which isn’t good for anyone involved. That’s why we take a team approach and engage both an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator and a Certified Professional Coach to aid in the divorce mediation process. By having two professionals actively involved in your divorce, the legal, financial and emotional aspects are managed in a peaceful and cost-effective way, saving you time, money and heartache in the process.
When it comes to conflict resolution and mediation, there are several things to keep in mind:
- Never involve others in your dispute. This is especially important when there are children involved. Divorce is already an emotional and difficult life change for children. They should never be forced to take sides or participate in any type of dispute between their divorcing parents. All issues should be handled exclusively between the divorcing spouses, with the mediator there to assist and guide toward a resolution.
- Avoid passive-aggressive behaviors and actions. Sometimes in an effort to avoid being hurt further, one spouse may exhibit behavior that indirectly harms the other. For instance, resisting requests that were previously agreed upon, procrastinating, or just being generally stubborn are all passive-aggressive behaviors and only serve to further frustrate the other spouse and stagnate the entire process. Conflict resolution and mediation counteract this by encouraging open, honest communication by both parties.
- Conflict resolution is not about changing the other person. Some people come into my office with the mistaken idea that I will be able to help them change their soon-to-be ex-spouse. This is simply not true. The purpose of conflict resolution is not to create autonomy between both parties, but rather to reach a middle ground that everyone can feel comfortable with
- Many third parties are not “impartial”. While other people with whom you both have relationships, such as friends or family members, may want to help with good intentions, chances are they are not completely impartial in their feelings. For conflict resolution to be most effective, it must be managed by a completely unbiased party, which is where mediation comes into play. It’s best to leave other personally interested parties out of the process.
Conflict-ridden relationships are never pleasant, and they can be particularly detrimental when there are children involved. These types of interactions bring out negative behaviors and are unproductive and unhealthy. By working with both a Certified Professional Coach and Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator, effective conflict resolution can help divorcing spouses to define a new relationship with one another – one that is based on mutual respect, mature communication and positive interactions that focus on the future, rather than the painful past. Through effective conflict resolution and mediation, you and your spouse can be on the road to peace and civility in no time.
To learn more about how our unique approach to divorce can help you move from your painful past to a brighter future, please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 today.
Use Mediation and Handle your F.E.A.R. of Divorce
If there is one thing that my clients can all agree on is that the transition between marriage and divorce is a scary time. And while I wish I could offer them a handy-dandy knob to turn off the fear like the one pictured in this post, in reality, it just doesn’t work that way. So I’ve come up with this handy acronym to help clients keep their emotions in check and stay on the more peaceful and cost effective path of mediation and off of the contentious and expensive path of an attorney-driven process such as collaborative divorce or litigation.
When considering your alternatives keep in mind the F.E.A.R.
- F – Financial
- E – Emotional
- A – Analytical
- R – Rational
F – Financial
The first thing I’d ask you to consider is the financial cost of your divorce. Given that even a friendly attorney driven divorce starts at $15,000 (and really, when have you ever heard of an attorney-driven divorce actually being friendly?) you could find yourselves more than $100,000 poorer at the end of the process than when you started it. Mediation on the other hand is a fraction of the cost and gets you the exact same result.
Has this ever happened to you? You walk into a store, see a sweater you like, plunk down your credit card and $100 later, you’re the proud owner of a new sweater. Happily you leave the store and head back out into the mall only to see the exact same sweater in the window of a neighboring store for 90% of the price! How would you feel? Duped? Ripped off? That is exactly what happens when you don’t use mediation to settle your divorce – you overpay for the exact same thing.
E – Emotional
There is no doubt that going through a divorce is an emotional process. But when using attorneys, something gets lost in translation. It’s very easy to lob grenades at each other when done by the anonymous pen of your respective counsel. It’s much harder to say those exact same things to each other face to face while sitting in mediation. Add to that the stress of waiting for a response from the other side instead of working things out in real time like we do in mediation and no wonder people get so emotional when litigating their divorce.
But with mediation we manage the emotions and give you the tools you need to get through your divorce. In your first session, you’ll work together with our divorce coach to set the framework for your mediation as well as learn valuable skills and tools to manage your emotions during mediation and after you’re finished. We strongly feel that by helping couples manage the legal, financial and emotional aspects of divorce, it leads to a better settlement for both of you and your children.
A – Analytical
It seems that when working with attorneys, you get a proposed settlement dumped in your lap without any input from you and quite possibly your spouse. With mediation, you and your spouse have a chance to work through the issues in real time taking the time to fully discuss, analyze and carefully consider the decisions put before you. Your mediator will also take time to explain how each decision builds on the next and how changing one can impact others in the process.
I’ve heard that 40% of litigated divorces wind up back in court within 4 years after settlement where as only 3% of mediated divorces do and I firmly believe that’s because couples had the opportunity to analyze their decisions more thoroughly in mediation than they did with an attorney driven divorce.
R – Rational
I meet a lot of nice people who simply find themselves in a bad situation. Of all the clients I’ve ever had, there is not a single one that stands out where I say “I did not like that person” because I know the tremendous pressure they must find themselves under by being in such an unfortunate situation such as divorce. So it’s no wonder that when attorneys, judges, collaborative practitioners and a whole array of outside influences get involved, it can turn even the most sane of divorces into a circus!
Mediation allows you to engage in rational decision making during private mediation sessions with just you, your spouse and your mediator or divorce coach. No three ring circus will be brought into the room with multiple parties talking, shouting and putting ideas in your head that you’re not quite sure are good for you. In the confidential and private office of your mediator or via telephone with your coach, you and your spouse will engage in rational conversations which will allow you both to make fair and informed decisions.
Embrace the F.E.A.R.
Divorce is a scary time but by embracing the F.E.A.R. you and your spouse can make it through your divorce process with as little impact to you and your family as possible. If you’d like to speak with us to learn more about how mediation can help you, please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 today.
What is Mediation
You had hoped that your marriage would last forever. In an ideal world, this seemed a reasonable request. However, for reasons first known only to you, your marriage has ended. As you tread on unfamiliar ground, you discover that you have more questions than answers. Your inquisitiveness is perfectly normal and even welcomed as you search for alternatives to peacefully and efficiently end your marriage. As you begin to learn about your options, one commonly asked question you may be pondering is, “What is mediation?”
What is Divorce Mediation?
Mediation is an informal process in which a neutral third-party, a mediator, helps you and your spouse reach a settlement on all of the issues surrounding your divorce. Ideally preferred in divorce cases, mediation allows you and your spouse a first opportunity towards negotiating a settlement without the need for a judge or lawyers intervening and imposing a settlement upon you.
Divorce mediation sessions are held in a neutral environment such as my office or in some instances by telephone. With the guidance of a mediator, parties are encouraged to work cooperatively with each other to make decisions on issues common to divorce. Parenting plans, child custody, visitation, child support, spousal support, finances and equitable distribution of marital property are some of the more popular areas of concentration.
Key Characteristics of Mediation
- Communication. Mediation focuses on communication instead of litigation. When you and your partner are able to calmly communicate and reach an agreement, you not only decrease the chance that either party will later default on the agreement, you part from the relationship peacefully. This not only stops the emotional roller-coaster that divorce can cause, if you have children, they benefit as well.
- Control. Divorce mediation allows you and your spouse to control your future. Instead of being opponents armed for battle, you and your spouse will make decisions on each other’s current and future needs as well as decisions that are in the best interest of your children, if applicable. If you choose mediation, you and your spouse are guaranteed a positive outcome because you both contribute to the agreement. Fear is completely erased from the equation. Because you and your spouse are active participants in the decision making process, you already know what the divorce decree is going to say.
- Cost Effective. Mediation cost considerably less than litigation. Instead of hiring two separate attorneys, one for both you and your spouse, you share the costs of one mediator. A mediator assists you and your spouse together as a couple instead of as separate individuals. As an added financial benefit, when you and your spouse are able to reach a decision, you are less likely to file an appeal which can costs tens of thousands of dollars not to mention that the appellant courts can take a year or longer to render a decision.
- Empowering. Divorce can feel out of control and stressful enough already without having the extra burden of worrying how a judge will rule on your case. Mediation removes a judge from the entire process. In the end all that is needed from a judge is his or her signature while you remain completely in control of your settlement.
- Voluntary. Unless court ordered, mediation is a voluntary process where any party can remove themselves from the process at any time. In our experience once clients begin mediation about 1% of the time do they choose to leave the process so while voluntary, the mediation completion success rate is very high.
Divorce is a tragedy. It is an end to a time that you most likely had hoped would last forever. However, not all is grim in the world of divorce. Mediation is a gift of sorts that has huge rewards. Not only does it spare you a court appearance, it allows you and your spouse to make decisions that you both can live with and still remain civil as you move forward to your separate lives. If you are considering divorce and would like to discuss mediation further, please call our offices at 908-864-2177 for a free telephone consultation.
Mediation for Child Custody
Making the decision to divorce is never easy, but it’s an especially difficult decision when children are involved. Not only are you and your spouse susceptible to the scars of divorce, but children of divorce suffer from mental and emotional pain as their immediate family splinters into separate homes. The trauma that children of divorce experience can last well into adulthood if parents are not committed to separating with respect and open communication. To ease the effects of divorce, mediation for child custody is becoming a viable option for more and more parents.
Divorce is a no-win situation for everyone involved. For at least one of the parents involved, divorce means a shift from full-time parenting to possibly being just a weekend-only parent. This level of participation can be emotionally frustrating, especially if you’re the non-custodial parent. It can also be emotionally disturbing to your child as well. As grim as it may sound, children of divorce are at risk for developing emotional, mental and even physical problems. To curb the effects of divorce, dedicated parents are choosing mediation for child custody as a means of settling issues of child custody, support and visitation. Not only does mediation allow you and your spouse the opportunity to create a schedule that supports the wants and needs of everyone involved, the amount of visitation given to the non-custodial parent is often more through mediation than a judge would award if your case goes to trial. Not only is mediation for child custody arguably in the best interest of your child, it’s also SMART.
Why is child custody mediation the SMART thing to do?
S – Sensitive. Children in the midst of divorcing parents are overwhelmed with emotion and rightfully so. Many feel torn between their parents and in some cases children, especially older children, are coerced by one parent into testifying against the other parent. Mediation is sensitive to children of divorce in that it removes the burden often placed on the child by the parent and instead holds the parents responsible for committing to an agreement regarding child custody, child support and visitation By limiting your child’s participation during an already confusing time, your child is best able to cope with the effects of divorce and maintain a healthy emotional relationship with both you and your spouse.
M – Monetary feasibility. A divorce is not only emotionally taxing, it is monetarily expensive as well. While there are many reasons why divorces are so expensive, three issues outside of lawyer fees can impact the overall costs: property distribution, financial allocations, and child custody. A contested child custody case will increase the overall cost of divorce over any other factor. Mediation is a cost-effective alternative to employing traditional lawyers. Not only does mediation cost considerably less than most domestic lawyers, it affords you as a parent the opportunity to work with your spouse towards making decisions that are in the best interest of your child. All in all, mediation for child custody makes financial sense.
A – Accepting. Mediation is a tool used by professionals to aid individuals towards conflict resolution. Individuals considering divorce and those already in the process are emotionally charged and understandably stressed. A mediator considers not only the law, but the needs and viewpoints of you and your partner. This neutral environment allows both you and your spouse an opportunity to resolve any pending matters and to protect your child from additional emotional upheaval.
R – Reassuring. While mediation involves hard work, these sessions are often reassuring and non-threatening. Each session is guided by a mediator, who is a neutral party. What this means is that mediator neither represents you or your spouse but instead creates a non-adversarial approach towards conflict resolution. Mediation sessions can be held with both parties participating together or they can be held individually. As such, this type of environment allows parties to work on and resolve any unresolved issue. Not only is the atmosphere neutral, mediation for child custody in particular eliminates the tendency parents often have of pitting their children against the other spouse. A courtroom is by far a more hostile environment and if possible, it’s a venue that children should not have to encounter. It is important to remember that while you and your spouse may be amicable in your decision to divorce, it is the children who are often victims in this decision if the adults involved are hostile.
T – Time-effective. As a mediator, I understand that you and your spouse may want to get your divorce over with as quickly as possible. Prolonging your decision to divorce only creates additional emotional turmoil in the lives of those involved. If you and your spouse are committed to working together, a divorce agreement through mediation can be reached in as little as a month. This is considerably shorter to the months or possible years it can take to resolve a divorce through the court system.
If you are considering divorce and there are children involved, please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 to learn more about why mediation for child custody is the S.M.A.R.T. option.
Causes of Divorce
In my line of work, as an accredited divorce mediator, I often think about the underlying causes of divorce as it helps me determine how I am going to help a couple move forward when they come to me for mediation. Just as no two fingerprints are exactly alike, neither are the causes of divorce for any one couple. For legal purposes a lawyer may offer a number of options to select as to the reason for the divorce when filing. The truth of the matter is why any marriage ends in divorce is more complicated than that. All too often, it’s more than one cause that brings any couple to this decision. The causes of divorce can have a snowball effect. What starts out as a small inconvenience can quickly gather force as an avalanche of resentment, anger and feelings of failure.
What’s Behind the Causes of Divorce
Research reveals couples that marry in their teens are more likely to divorce than those couples who wait until their mid-to-late twenties, and research also states that those couples that come from divorced homes are more likely to divorce than those couples that come from homes where parents are happily married. But experience has taught me that the reasons for divorce, for the purposes of filing court papers, are not the same as the causes of divorce for any couple. In fact, the one underlying factor, that emerges from mediation sessions again and again, is the lack of communication which ultimately leads to the cause of divorce. In general, couples may not begin their marriages this way, not intentionally anyway. Whether the channels of communication eroded over time, due to pressures of family and work, or whether crucial problems existed but were never addressed before the “I dos” were exchanged, is what leads to resentful behavior or even neglect. The most vulnerable, human ability; our innate ability to take others and our situations for granted or to ignore the obvious, because of the fear of rejection or the fear of fighting, leads most couples to disconnect from their relationships entirely, leaving the door open for someone else to fill that void.
Getting at the Root of Relationship Rot
Unfortunately, once neglect or unrealized relationship expectations set in, so do assumptions. Assumptions, made by both partners, can quickly emerge as one of the causes of divorce. We believe that since we’ve committed ourselves by saying “I do” that it’s naturally implied that our spouse understands that we love him or her, so why do we have to make that concerted effort to show appreciation at all? Relationship rot is what happens when taking our spouses for granted has gone so far that it can never be recovered again.
I’m acutely aware that while couples sitting across from me have hired me to navigate the tricky waters of a settlement agreement, I also try to remind couples about what positive qualities they see in each other throughout the mediation process as believe or not, this makes future negotiations for child custody arrangements or parent planning post divorce much easier. Rather than reaching a joint agreement as adversaries, couples who can reach an agreement with some form of mutual respect for one another are much better for it. Especially when they recognize that each other has the best interests of their children in mind.
Yes, sometimes it can be a real challenge to get two people who are in the middle of a mediation and don’t understand the causes of divorce – their divorce – to agree on things but once we work through the anger and understand we’re working towards the future, I see a glimmer of hope, that they might actually begin to heal and then move forward into the new life that’s waiting for them.
Want to learn more about the causes of divorce and how mediation can help you divorce peacefully? Please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 and we’d be glad to speak to you about your particular situation to see if divorce mediation is right for you.
The Reality of Amicable Divorce
If you do a simple search in Google for amicable divorce you’ll receive pages upon pages of web results that either insist that an amicable divorce is possible, impossible or is just a myth. Here’s what I know about what constitutes an amicable divorce.
Couples that have no children are more likely to have an amicable divorce, simply because there are no children involved. No custody or co-parenting arrangements need to be made which leaves both parties free to start their new lives. Since there is more at stake, spouses with children are least likely to achieve an amicable divorce. While some will joke that separating spouses need the stars, moon and the cosmos in its entirety to be completely aligned before a friendly divorce can happen it does occur from time to time. With or without children, the one common factor that must exist for any divorce to end amicably is that both parties must be willing and capable of focusing on the possibilities of the future, rather than the disappointments of the past.
In my time as a mediator, I’ve also found that divorcing couples with children, who actively strive for an amicable separation, have some key elements in place as well, such as assurance by both parties that they are dedicated to reaching a fair compromise, a mutual resolve to keep the “friendly divorce” out of court, a commitment by their attorneys or mediators for an amicable resolution and a sense of obligation in keeping the process as civil as possible. Again, if these elements are favorable, an amicable divorce is possible, but even reaching, let alone sustaining these key elements during the divorce process can be a daunting proposition. Even when couples made concerted efforts to remain friendly, it was far from perfect, and at times confusion, frustration and anger were part of the scenario.
As you can see achieving an amicable divorce is a lofty aspiration. Basically it comes down to what you truly hope to gain. If it’s revenge or retaliation you seek, than an amicable or friendly divorce may never be obtained. While an amicable divorce might be the ideal everyone wishes for, the bottom line is that those who were most successful at obtaining a friendly divorce didn’t use their children as weapons of retaliation or lose their composure during irrational moments. They kept their long-term goals in mind during the entire divorce process, and walked away without bitterness or feeling defeated. Even when their spouses did not share their goal of amicable divorce, they proved that the elusive benefits of inner peace and contentment were far worth any concessions they may have made in the process.
So the reality is that amicable divorce is a goal not a myth, and the goal is not entirely impossible either. With the help of a mediator, both parties can set up realistic objectives so that individual expectations can be met and addressed to the mutual satisfaction of everyone. If you should both decide that an amicable divorce is a mutual goal then we can help get you there. While it may feel, at times, that you’ve lost control, the truth is that you have the power to get through divorce, amicably or otherwise, and define your own destiny so when you’re ready, please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 and talk to us about how you and your ex can actually disprove the myth that there’s no such thing as an amicable divorce.
Benefits of Mediation
Your marriage is in shambles and the only thing you can say for certain is that you and your spouse are headed straight for divorce court. You’re hurt, disappointed and perhaps even angry and embarrassed that your marriage is ending. Despite the confusion and emotional pains of an impending separation, you know that you want to divorce privately while still being an active participant in the decisions concerning your future. Your concern for privacy coupled with a desire to have more control in the decision making process has you desperately searching for a less hostile battlefield than a public courtroom. After careful consideration, you choose mediation over litigation. You conclude that the benefits of mediation outweigh the risks and uncertainty posed with a trial and your decision rests heavily on the 5 key ‘C’ benefits to mediation described below:
Children. Children are often the forgotten victims of divorce. Mediation is not only sensitive to the needs of you and your spouse, divorce mediation protects children from the pains of their parent’s divorce. While you cannot hide your children from your divorce, mediation shields them from the divorce process itself. This is an additional benefit of mediation.
Communication. If you have decided to end your marriage, you have two options: litigation with trial attorneys or mediation with a professional mediator. One unique difference between litigation and mediation is how couples are allowed to communicate with each other and with their mediator and/or their attorneys. In mediation, your voice is heard. Mediation takes couples from being mere spectators on a sideline to being active working participants in the decision making process. Open communication is one of many benefits of mediation. Mediation promotes fairness by creating an atmosphere that is attentive to the needs of both you and your spouse. During mediation, couples are given equally opportunity to speak and express their needs and concerns. With the help of a divorce mediator, who advocates for both you and your spouse together as a couple instead of individually, you and your partner are guided into making decisions together; decisions that are in the best interest of those involved.
Confidentiality. A divorce is a private and sensitive issue. Not only is the process from beginning to end emotionally exhausting to the divorcing couple, it is equally devastating to the couple’s children as well. The last thing you need is to wage war on your partner in a public venue for all to see and hear. Though your divorce is a matter of public record, it doesn’t have to be played out in a public courtroom. Privacy is one of the many benefits of mediation. Mediation affords individuals an opportunity to resolve their differences in private. Mediation sessions are held in a non-threatening environment and in some instances, mediation is done over the telephone.
Control. It’s your life, so why shouldn’t you help make the choices that will affect the rest of your life? Mediation puts you in the driver’s seat. Mediation removes the decision-making process from a judge and instead places it in the capable hands of you and your spouse.
Cost-Effective. Litigation is not only time-consuming, it is expensive as well. Divorce mediation is an alternative to expensive lawyers. In mediation, parties split the costs of one mediator compared to expense of hiring two separate attorneys. In fact, the cost of mediation for both of you can often be less than the retainer for only one of your attorneys!
We understand that divorce is not an ideal situation. It is the end of a promise that you had hoped would last a life time. While divorce is never a preferred outcome to marriage, mediation can make the process less devastating and have you both focusing on rebuilding your future instead of rehashing your past. If you are facing divorce and would like to discuss the benefits of mediation in length, please call 908-864-2177 to arrange an initial meeting with one of our caring mediators where we will be happy to explain the benefits of mediation and help you see that mediation truly is the smarter way to divorce.
Mediation for Child Custody
The marriage is over. You and your spouse have determined that reconciliation is not an option. Divorce is never an easy choice or one that should be taken lightly. So the questions facing you are, what is next and what can you do that will make the process less of a life altering crisis? One alternative to facing an expensive and lengthy court battle is mediation for child custody, finances and property allocation.
Facing divorce is going to bring many challenges however, if you are fortunate enough to be on amicable terms with your spouse, the process can be dealt with on much more agreeable terms. One of the primary concerns facing most parents who are dealing with divorce is what about the children. How can you make the procedure have less of a traumatic effect on them?
Mediation for child custody is an alternative that is becoming more popular for couples. Although you may still opt to be represented by a lawyer, mediation carries with it the option of being able to find solutions that both parties can be satisfied with. With mediation you do not require a lawyer; however you will need to do more of the work.
Really? You Can Use Mediation for Child Custody and Financial Matters?
If you both are on good terms, then you can sit down with a mediator and determine solutions that work not only for the parents, but also, what is best for the child or children. Drawn out court battles can have long term negative repercussions, especially if the children are old enough to understand what is going on. Using mediation for child custody as well as other legalities, gives parents the ability to work through the many difficult decisions without dragging the children through heartache. You will need to be very supportive of your child as they will have to go through a grieving process. No matter what the custody agreement details, the child will suffer some type of loss. Mommy and Daddy are no longer going to be living together as a family.
Believe it or not, if you have been living in a conflicted home, the choice to separate can be the best move for the children. It is not healthy for them to live where there is constant fighting and tension. They will make it through! Children are resilient and as long as they are always reminded that Mommy and Daddy still love them and that there is no blame on their part, they will recover. This is another reason why mediation for child custody can be such a wise choice. Whether there is shared custody or if one parent will receive sole custody, the choice can be made without inflicting further distress upon the child. The less anger and bitterness that can be demonstrated through the process of divorce, the quicker the child is to adapt to their new living situation.
Children Must Come First Even When Reconciliation Isn’t an Option
Sometimes there really is no other resolution to your current marriage problems than divorce. However, if there are children involved, they need to remain as the priority. The parents have a more difficult time because they not only have to deal with the many struggles they will have to cope with individually but they have to take into account what the child has to face.
The emotion that usually predominates any divorce where children are involved is guilt. And usually there is plenty of it to go around. How is this going to affect the children? Are they going to be ok? Will they hate me? These are only a few of the many questions that may occupy your mind on a regular basis. Be kind to yourself. If you have decided to follow the path of mediation for child custody, you are doing the best you can. Even if mediation is not an option, in the long run you are doing what is best for your family.
Let me share this with you. As you reaffirm your continual commitment to reach out and touch your children with the love of a parent that is genuine, try to find the words that can help them sort through their feelings. Always let them know how really special they are, how good they truly are and how very loveable each one of them is.
How to Prepare for Divorce Mediation
Now that you’ve both made the difficult decision to divorce you may be wondering how to prepare for divorce mediation so that the process may go as smoothly as possible. Preparing for divorce mediation isn’t the easiest thing to do as it involves both the gathering of factual information as well as some internal work to ensure you’re emotionally ready to mediate but by examining the topic of how to prepare for divorce mediation in advance, you will save yourselves both time and money throughout the process which is the goal of everyone one of our mediations.
Preparing for divorce mediation should be broken into three distinct categories:
- emotional
- financial
- legal
How to Prepare for Divorce Mediation: The Emotional
In the first phase of preparing for divorce mediation, you should ask yourself the questions that pertain to your emotional state of being. Things to consider include:
- Am I strong enough to mediate? – mediation requires you to sit in the same room as your soon to be ex-spouse so is that going to be OK for you? In preparing for divorce mediation you have to ask yourself that very difficult question and be honest with yourself. If not, the telephone mediation may be the best option in your case.
- Am I able to stand up for myself and ask for what I need and want? – certainly the mediator will help keep an eye out for power imbalances in which one party is taking advantage of the other but they are not your advocate and can’t read your mind. You need to be able to state clearly what is it you want and need as a result of this divorce.
- Do I trust my partner? – even though your marriage is over do you still think that on the whole your spouse is trustworthy and will negotiate in good faith? In order for mediation to work trust is paramount for both the parties and the mediator.
If you have any questions about these topics it’s best to speak with a divorce coach who can help you manage the emotional part of the mediation process.
How to Prepare for Divorce Mediation: The Financial
A large part of preparing for divorce mediation is the gathering of a lot of pertinent financial data for the conversations regarding equitable distribution, child support and alimony. And while not a complete list, this should get you off to a good start.
- Three years of tax returns & W-2′s, K-1′s, both federal and state (for each of the states you worked in during those years). For those on commission or high earners, you should probably gather at least five years of returns.
- A month’s worth of your most recent paystubs
- All most recent bank, credit card, money market and IRA / 401k statements.
- A market valuation on your home (if you own one.)
- A copy of your mortgage statement showing balance owed and monthly payment
- A copy of the deed to your house
- Car loans, make and mileage of the automobiles you own or lease
- Copies of your most recent household bills including all utilities, groceries, maintenance, personal care, car insurance, etc.
How to Prepare for Divorce Mediation: The Legal
I believe you’ve already answered this question by choosing the more peaceful, efficient and cost-effective path of mediation so the good news is you’ve already begun preparing for divorce mediation! Now as far as getting a lawyer goes I will answer the question that I am constantly asked by all of my clients and that is: “do I need an attorney when using divorce mediation?” The honest answer is that’s not a decision I can make for you as it depends on the complexity of your situation, your comfort level with your spouse and how well you are able to work together. This is something we will talk about when we meet for the first time so be sure to bring it up at our first session.
The question of how to prepare for divorce mediation is a big one but by having some foresight into what you need to do in advance will make both preparing for divorce mediation as well as the actual mediation process itself goes as smoothly as possible.
