4 Reasons for Contemplating Divorce

From my experience as a divorce coach I find there are 4 main reasons for contemplating divorce and have briefly outlined them for you below. Keep in mind the reasons for contemplating divorce may depend on your particular situation so take these with a “grain of salt” and be sure to work with a divorce coach to explore more deeply the reasons why you’re considering such a major life-altering event in the first place.

1. Domestic Violence – Of all the reasons for contemplating divorce, this one may be the most obvious. Unfortunately there are many people I work with that don’t even know they are victims. Domestic violence comes in many forms and includes more than just physical contact. It can be emotional in which your partner withholds affection, it can be verbal and cause issues of self-esteem or even financial whereby your spouse is withholding money from you and not giving you and your children the financial resources to survive. Of all the reasons to be contemplating divorce, this is the most serious and should not be taken lightly. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE if you feel any of these situations apply to you.
2. The Kids Are All Grown – It’s nice to know you took your role as parents seriously but did you also forget to take you roles as husband and wife just as serious? It sounds like it if you’re contemplating divorce now that the kids are out of the house and grown. News flash: adult kids take the divorce of their parents harder than younger kids and so if you think you did them a favor by waiting, guess again. Instead of contemplating divorce, how about working on your relationship with all that free time you should now have? Divorce coaches aren’t just here to help get you through a divorce, they’re also here to help you avoid one!
3. We Argue All of the Time – I’ve found that when people say mean things it’s usually a reflection of how they feel about themselves and not meant to be directed at you. If you’re contemplating divorce because your partner is just plain old rude, it may be that there’s something driving that behavior and chances are, it has nothing to do with you! For example maybe if they keep telling you “I supported you all these years and you didn’t have to work” what they may really be saying is “I wish I had more time to spend with the kids now that they’re all grown.” Look – I know it’s not easy but if you can focus on the person and not on the problem, maybe contemplating divorce isn’t your answer.
4. We’ve Drifted Apart – My husband and I talk about this all of the time. There are couples that think being in lock step with each other (i.e. on top of each other at all times) means their relationship will be a success and there are those that think that doing their own thing is the way to stay happy. Well I can tell you what works for me and that’s a combination of both. Sure there are times I like to be alone but we always make sure to check in with each other and have things that we do together to make sure we still “know” each other. If you’re contemplating divorce, maybe it’s because you don’t really know your partner or yourself. Try a couples retreat instead of marriage counseling and you may be surprised at the results.

No matter whether you choose to proceed with your divorce and use mediation or work with a divorce coach like me, either way it’s not a decisions to be taken lightly so give it the time it deserves, trust your intuition and make the decision that is best for you.